PS 

£*>5 





LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 



(Hjap. Supirig^t Ifta 

Shelf, Z.11 £gf 



UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 



MONEYMAKING 



AND 



MATCHMAKING; 



OR, 



New York in 1890. 



Comedy in Five Acts 

BY / 

FLORENCE T. DONNELL. 

Copyrighted 1890. 



\& COPYRIGHT^ 

JUL 7 1890 ) 
■ 
^/shingto 1 



NEW YORK 1 

WILLIAM R. JENKINS, 

851 & 853 Sixth Avenue. 

1891. 
V X 






TMP92-009117 



CHARACTERS. 



DANIEL THURMAN. A new man from the Wild 
West, entirely out of place in a civilized community. 

JEREMIAH GRAB ALL. The greatest man in Wall 

street. 
PERCY GRABALL. Aristocratic scion of a plebeian 

stock. Very little brains, and auy quantity of 

clothes. 

J. BLACKSTONE VAN HUCKSTER, Knickerbocker 
aristocracy, has lived in London. 

T. RUSHINGTON FLASHEM. The Chicagoan of the 
present and the American of the future. 

CHARLEY TATTLETON, of Boston, lives at the clubs. 
A great deal of family and any quantity of leisure. 

JACK BADMINTON. A muscular dude. Excels in 
fox hunting. 

LORD EUSTACE FITSHUBERT FLUSHINGTON. 

Authentic English nobleman, with summer seat 
at Ring-Ring on the Hudson. 

COUNT CRISPINO DE LA COMARE. Authentic 
Italian Count, descendant of the illustrious Barbe- 
rini family. 

TACITURN STIFFNECK. High-toned and deep- 
draughted English butler ; has a low opinion of 
American culture. 

TOM TRIMMINS. District messenger boy. [Lively 
and enterprising, already well up in stocks. 



CHARACTERS— (Continued.) 



Mrs. KETCHUM. New York mamma, determined and 
enterprising. Employs refined and subtle methods. 

Mrs. HUNTER. Another of the same sort, but cruder 
and more abrupt. 

BLANCHE KETCHUM. Unique and improbable New 
York girl. 

ETHEL HUNTER. Ordinary and highly probable 
New York girl. 

Mrs. BLACKSTONE VAN HUCKSTER. Knicker- 
bocker aristocracy, sixteen quartering, and unnum- 
bered coats of arms, aspires to a peerage. 

Mrs. RUSHINGTON FLASHEM. Practical Chicago 
widow, goes in for money. 

Miss ACRITONIA GUSHINGTON. Many times dis- 
appointed, but still hopeful. 

SUZETTE. French maid, with Irish accent and Amer- 
ican views of life. 



Act I. — Matches. 

Act IT. — A Great Match. 

Act III.— The Money Making, 

Act IV. — The Money Losing. 

Act V. — Matched. 



MONEYMAKING 



AND 



MATCHMAKING. 



ACT I. 

Parlor in Mrs . Ketchum's house, Fifth Avenue, between 42d 
St., and the Park. Doors, r. and 1. Large door, or curtained 
opening c. f . leading to conservatory. Table 1. c, mantelpiece, 
arm-chairs, etc., right. 

SCENE I. 

St[ffneck, dusting, and arranging furniture in a grum- 
bling manner. — Did h'ever h'any one see suchk'an 'ouse, 
h'and they calls this style li'in h'America a h'expectin 
h'of the butler to h' answer the door bell, h'and they h'a 
talkin so much h'about h'English fashions. Why the 
first thing they do when they sets h'up 'ousekeepin h'in 
h'Eugland h'is to 'ire h'a buttons to do h'all the work, 
so the butler may take 'ish'ease,h'and h'enjoy is h'ale, 
h'and tea, (bells ring.) King! ring h' away, hTill teach 
h'em good form, h'and let that h'Irish, French, h'Amer- 
ican vixen Suzette h'answer the bell 'erself. She liked 
to scratch my h'eyes h'out for jist tryin to look h'over 'er 
shoulder h'at 'er bank-book. HT dont believe she's 
got h' anything worth showin laid h'away h'any 'ow. 
H'and then h'a peaceable h'Englishman might h'as well 
'ave dynamite h' under 'is roof h'as a woman h'of all 
them three nationalities. 

(Enter Suzette , d. I. ) 



6 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

SCENE II. 

SUZETTE and STIFFNECK. 

Suzette. — Shure, and what do 'ye mean Misther Stiff- 
neck a' throubling of people like that answerin of your 
bells, when faith my hands are full, and flowiu over with 
work a gettin the young ladies ready for the afternoon 
reception. 

Stiffneck. — H'l thought may be h'it 'ud be the post- 
man, h'and you 'ah be a likin to see h'if 'e 'ed h'a 
brought me one of them letters from my rich h'uncle 
h'in the h'old country, you 're h' always a' h'askin 
h' about. 

Suzette. — Uncle indade, is it 3-e say? I don't believe 
you 've got one. Why, shure it's a district messenger 
boy h'askin for the madame. # 

Stiffneck. — Well ! why don't you go tell my lady. You 
cant be 'a h'expectin me to do your work h'up stairs 
too. 

Suzette. — Dont you be giving me none of your sass. 
(Aside.) But shure, and I wonder if he really has a rich 
uncle, or if it's only his English humbug. 

(Exit Suzette.) 



SCENE III. 

Stiffneck. — She h'aint worth bein civil to, for hi 
don't believe she's got one farthin to 'er name. But h'l 
wonder what the district messenger 's h'a comin for h'at 
this hour. HT11 call 'im h'in, h'and see. (Goes to door 
and calls.) This way, my lad, h'in 'ere. 

(Enter Tom Trimmins, district messenger boy, d. I.) 



ACT 1, 7 

SCENE IV. 

STIFFNECK and TRIMMINS. 

Stiffneck. — HI say, my lad, what brings you h'in 
'ere, so h'early this h'afternoon. 

Trimmins. — I aint your lad, nor nobody else's, I'm Tom 
Trimmins, number 21,050 of the District Messenger 
Company, and I come from Mr. Jeremiah Graball, the 
greatest man in Wall street, with a message for Mrs. 
Ketchum, No. — Fifth Avenue, and I've been waiting 
ten minutes out in the entry with no chair to sit on. 

Stiffneck. — H'a message from Mr. Jeremiah Graball, 
the great stockbroker, but 'ave you h'any kind h'of h'an 
h'idea what there might be h'in it? 

Trimmins — Jim Mullins says he thinks it's a love affair, 
the old boss was in such a hurry and excitement about it. 
But he's a soft 'un is Jim Mullins; it's stocks, I know it's 
stocks. No one in America is ever in a hurry about 
anything but stocks. But I say, Johnny, you 've lost 
something. 

Stiffneck. — H'and what may I 'ave lost, young man? 

Trimmins. — H'only your haches. H'only your haches. 
Eats ! I say Rats ! 

Stiffneck, (aside.) — The low h'American brat. 

(Enter Mrs. Ketchum.) 



SCENE V. 

Mrs. KETCHUM, STIFFNECK and TRIMMINS. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Well! have you a message forme? 
Let me see. (Patting on her glasses.) For Mrs. W. 
Howard Ketchum ? 



8 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

Trimmins. — There aint no double Howard about it. 
It's just for Mrs. Ketchum ; that's all there is on the 
envelope. 

Mrs. Ketchum, impatiently. — Give it to me anyway. 
(Aside.) That Jeremiah Graball always will be ill bred 
and vulgar, as if anyone could live in New York society 
now, without a double name. (Opens envelope and reads; 
shocked and astonished.) Oh ! Ah ! My ! Stiff neck what 
are you standing, staring for ? Give me a pen and ink 
right away. 

Stiffneck:. — Very well, my lady. 

(Mrs. Ketchum seats herself at table and writes hastily.) 

Trimmins, aside. — Chesnuts ! I say chesnuts ! Stocks 
must have tumbled. 

Stiffneck, aside. — H'l dont 'alf like the looks h'of 
this. That low brat must 'a been right, h'and she's 
lost money, 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Here take this to Mr. Graball's 
office, as quick as ever you can go. Have you the change 
for the cars ? 

Trimmins. — Yes, the company gives me that, but I say 
the hansoms travel much quicker. Oh ! if you 'ed send 
me in a hansom I 'ed take it in a giffy 

Stiffneck. — Yes, my lady, the 'ansoms do go very 
quick. 

Mrs. Ketchum, aside. — Stiffneck looks at me so 
strangely, I wonder if he thinks I can't afford it. 
(Handing Trimmins money .) Go, now, take a hansom and 
be quick. 



ACT I. 9 



Trimmins. — You may bet I'll be off now. (Aside.) 
A ride in a hansom. What a jolly lark that 'ill be ; but 
aint she a high 'un. Oh! my eye ! 

(Exit Trimmins.) 



SCENE VI. 
Mrs. KETCHUM and STIFFNECK. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — You may go, Stiffneck, but wait, when 
Mr. Graball calls, ask him into the little sitting-room, 
and let me know instantly. 

Stiffneck. — Which Mr. Graball, my lady ? 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Old Mr. Graball, of course. Young 
Mr. Graball doesnt count while his father lives. (Aside. ) 
For I know the old man keeps him on a short allowance. 

Stiffneck. — Very well ! my lady. (Aside.) This h' all 
looks h'aweful queer. May be hTll 'ave to be seekin 
h' another place before night. 

(Exit Stiffneck.) 



SCENE VII. 
Mrs. KETCHUM, reading. 

" Mrs. Ketchum, 

" Dear Madame, 
:t Much to my surprise, there was a sharp tumble in 
the Match Trust this morning. Just as we had made 
our arrangements to start an up movement, weHbegan 
to feel the presence of a big bear operator in the market. 
Now, as I do not think there is anyone else in the 



10 MONEYMAK1NG AND MA TCHMAKING. 

combine who would dare to undertake operations of such 
magnitude, I will not conceal from you that all my 
suspicions have centered on your Western friend, Daniel 
Thurman, whose boldness, large command of money 
and well known enmity to trusts, would explain the 
whole mystery, if indeed there were not deeper motives 
for such a manoeuvre on his part. Those motives, I 
think I will be able to make clear to you. Then it is 
urgent that I should see you as soon as possible, as the 
loss on your stock is already considerable, amounting 
to no less than $175,000 and if the present condition of 
the market continues, it will be necessary to put up 
heavy margins to-morrow. I shall try to be up at your 
house by six o'clock to see what can be done, but should 
you wish to see me sooner, let me know by messenger 
boy. Meanwhile I am, yours very sincerely, 

" Jeremiah Graball." 

One hundred and seventy-five thousand dollars. 
Good heavens ! and that would only leave me twenty- 
five thousand to live on, and Blanche not married yet. 
Oh! what a miserable, wretched woman I am with the 
prettiest girl in New York for a daughter, and she the 
most perverse, ungrateful, cold-hearted, cruel creature. 
Her poor mother worked to de.atb, yes, literally worked 
to death, giving entertainments, worrying morning, 
noon, and night, trying to make $200,000 do the duty 
of two millions, and fretting herself to the bone, just to 
find that unreasonable child a husband who would do 
credit to us both. And to think that she might have 
Daniel Thurman, the greatest catch in New York. A 
man who can make millions as quick as he has, and to 
think that she won't have him and that she treats him 
abominably, cruelly. Cruel, why, I call it inhuman. 



ACT 1. 11 

(Looking at letter again. Oh ! was there ever such an 
unfortunate, wronged woman. Everybody cheats me, 
everybody imposes upon me. But what does old Grab- 
all mean by saying he knows Thurman did it, and can 
explain his motives, and that he too has some arrange- 
ment to propose. Oh ! they both evidently want some- 
thing from me, may be I can make a bargain with 

them yet. 

{Enter Mrs. Hunter, d. r. ) 



SCENE VIII. 

Mrs. KETCHUM and Mrs. HUNTER. 

Mrs. Hunter. — What has kept you so long, Mary 
Ann? 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Gracious goodness! don't call me by 
that horrid name. Stiffneck might hear you, and it's 
such a vulgar name in England. 

Mrs. Hunter. — I beg your pardon, but old school 
habits, you know. (Aside.) I really believe she's putting 
on airs because her daughter is so much talked about ; 
as if I didn't remember when she used to come to Pa's 
country grocery, a little barefooted girl, and was mighty 
glad to catch poor Ketchum, the bookkeeper, though 
she did lead him a life. (Aloud.) Ah! you 've just received 
a letter, is it one from the guests you expect this after- 
noon ? I hope it's not from Mr. Thurman to say he 
can't come. (Aside.) And after all the money I've spent 
at Blueleaf's on Ethel's dress. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — No, it's from Mr. Graball. 



12 M0NEYMAK1NG AND MATCHMAKING. 

Mrs. Hunter. Young Mr. Graball, and is lie not 
coming either? (Aside.) Such a delightfully silly young 
man, and with such lots of money. 

Mrs. Ketchum, aside. — How the woman wearies me, 
as if she could get either of them for her ugly, gawky, 
little minx of a girl, while my Blanche is still unmarried. 
(Aloud.) Oh ! it is not a social note at all, it is a business 
communication about some stock in the match trust 
which Mr. Graball sold for me at the top of the market, 
and he tells me here of the profit I have made on the 
decline. 

Mrs. Hunter. — A match trust, goodness heavens! and 
I have no stock in it. What will become of my poor 
daughter ? 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Oh! you don't understand me, Mrs. 
Hunter, I mean a trust in matches. 

Mrs. Hunter. — A trust in matches ! I should think 
so, who hasn't a trust in them for sooner or later ! 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Oh ! I mean matches such as you 
light the gas with. 

Mrs. Hunter, with a sigh of relief. — Ah ! 

{Enter Blanche and Ethel, d. r.) 



SCENE IX. 

BLANCHE, ETHEL, Mrs. KETCHUM and 
Mrs. HUNTER 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Ethel, my dear, how lovely you 
look ! 



ACT I 13 

Ethel. — Yes, is'nt it too awfully stunning, it's one of 
Blueleafs latest. Just see, there's more than ten dozen 
brass buttons and yards, and yards of gold braid on it. 

Mrs. Hunter. — Yes, Ethel gets all her gowns there. 
There's no place in New York to compare to it. Why ; 
have you seen the pages they have now at the doors ? 
They're just too lovely with their striped green and 
yellow silk hose, and scarlet velvet jackets, with birds of 
paradise's tails on the shoulders for epaulettes, and the 
cutest, little crushed strawberry satin polo caps, with 
Rhinestone aigrettes and peacocks' plumes standing 
straight up in them. Oh ! the combination is just too 
artistic for anything. 

Blanche. — I should think the poor little fellows would 
look like grotesque monkeys escaped from some travel- 
ling menagerie. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Oh! Blanche, my dear, how can you? 
Why the Queen herself patronizes Blueleafs establish- 
ment. 

Mrs. Hunter. — And it's a real pleasure even to get 
his bills. They're so covered over with coat-of-arms 
that I put them on the top of my card basket every 
time. 

Ethel. — But, mamma, there's one thing I don't like 
about the establishment. Do you remember that rainy 
day we went there in a shabby cab, how awfully they 
snubbed us, and were only civil when Mr. Stronghand, 
the manager, came forward and recognized us. It was 
the first time I ever was glad to see him, for he's so 
rough, he almost knocks me down every time he tries 
on a cloak. 

(Enter Stiff neck.) 



14 M0NEYMAK1NG AND MATCHMAKING. 

SCENE X. 

STIFFNECK, Mrs. KETCHUM, Mrs. HUNTER, 
BLANCHE and ETHEL. 

Stiffneck. — My lady, h'it's Mr. Graball, h'and h'l 
h'asked 'im h'into the little sitting room, h'as you bid 
me. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Very well, Stiffneck, go tell him I 
will be there instantly. (Aside,) He has come before he 
received my note. He must be anxious. May be all will 
be won instead of lost. (Aloud.) Mrs. Hunter, will you 
keep the dear girls company in my absence and receive 
in my place if I am not back in time. 

Mrs. Hunter, aside. — Mrs. Hunter! She does that just 
to keep me at a distance. (Aloud.) Oh ! trust me to take 
the best of care of the dear children. 

(Exit Mrs. Ketchum. ) 



SCENE XI. 
Mrs. HUNTER, BLANCHE and ETHEL. 

(Blanche and Ethel near fire-place on the right, Mrs. Hunter 
seated near table, I. c.) 

Mrs. Hunter. — Oh ! don't mind me, girls, I shan't be 
in your way. I'm going to read Tolstoi, he always 
interests me so much, and just think Anna Karenina is 
too lovely for anything. That description of her 
mother's death is so awfully pathetic, and the account 
of her third marriage is too beautiful for anything. Oh ! 
there can't be too many weddings for me, I just love 



ACT 1. 15 

them. But there, you mustn't interrupt me, for I want 
to follow the story closely. 

{During the following scene, Mrs: Hunter nods over her 
book till she falls fast asleep.) 

Blanche. — What book is that you have, Lizzie? 

Ethel. — Oh ! don't call me Lizzie, if Ma were to hear 
you. To be sure I was christened Elizabeth after an 
aunt of Pa's, whom we expected to leave me some 
money, but she died, and didn't, after I 'ed been called 
twelve years by that hateful, ugly name. Now, wasn't 
that nasty, horrid mean. But English fashions were 
just coming in then, so Ma changed my name to Ethel 
from a proper sense of pride. But this book, Ma says 
there's no harm in my reading it, if I don't let any of 
the fellows know I've even heard of it. It's ' ' The Slip of 
the Lip " they talk so much about. They say it's per- 
fectly scandalous, and I know I'm going to have just the 
nicest time reading it. 

Blanche. — If you will take my advice, Ethel, you will 
throw it in the fire, for it is sure to be insufferably 
stupid. It is only people who are conscious of a lack of 
real talent who appeal to notoriety through scandal. 

Ethel. — But you, what are you reading? 

Blanche.— Oh ! it's Ibsen's dramas, I was just trying 
to begin them. Mamma wants me to read them, and I 
always try to please her in anything reasonable. 

Ethel. — Oh! Blanche, do you know why she wants 
you to read them. It's because they are serious, awfully 
serious, and she thinks it will please Mr. Thurman. 

Blanche. — If I thought that, I would never look in the 
book again. 



16 M0NEYMAK1NG AND MATCHMAKING. 

Ethel. — How can you. Blanche? I think he's just 
splendid. You can't deny that he's stunning fine look- 
ing anyway. 

Blanche. — Why should I deny it? What is Mr. 
Thurman to me. 

Ethel. — There now, don't pretend, doesn't everybody 
say you're going to marry him next spring, and what a 
catch you 'ill get. If you could only see his new house 
at Lenox; Ma has seen it. She says the mantelpiece is 
just wonderful, and cost a fortune in itself, and then he 
owns the best parterre box at the Opera. He bought it 
from old Tangent when he failed last winter. I'm sure 
though I don't envy you, anyway, for whatever Ma may 
say about it, he isn't my style. But you will ask me to 
be bride's maid, wont you, for there will be a splendid 
turn out at the wedding. 

Blanche. — Don't talk in that way, Ethel. Oh ! it is all 
a torture and a shame, this life we girls lead. It is un- 
natural and unmaidenly in a glare of publicity from 
our childhood, ignorant of the world, we are expected 
to cope with it at every turn, and affect a knowledge 
which would be disgraceful to us if we possessed it, and 
is ridiculous when we do not. I hate and despise all 
these men with their insolent presumption and their 
low familiarity. Oh ! I hate and despise them all, and I 
will never marry one of them. Never, there ! 

Ethel. — Why, Blanche, what a little fury you are, you 
fairly take my breath away, but you can't say Mr. Thur- 
man is familiar. Why he is as grand and stately as I 
am sure an English duke must be, and besides he never 
says more than five words together, unless you excite 
him, and then his eyes flash, and he talks just as wildly 
as you do. 



ACT I. 17 

Blanche. — I am sure, Mi*. Thurman is not at all 
like me. 

Ethel. — Well! let us leave him alone, we will both 
hear enough of him from our Mas to-night anyway, arid 
all this talk has knocked out of my head just what I 
wanted to tell you. Do you know I received such a 
sweet, lovely letter last night from Count Crispiuo dela 
Comare. Oh ! such a charming letter, I am sure no 
American could have written it. 

{Enter Stiffneck.) 

SCENE XII. 

BLANCHE, ETHEL, Mrs. HUNTEE and STIFFNECK. 

Stiffneck. — H'are you h'in, Miss, h'or will you be 
h'out? 

Blanche. — Oh! we are in, Stiffneck. Miss Hunter 
and I are both in. {Mrs. Hunter wakes up with a. snort.) 
Mrs. Hunter also. 

Shiffneck, throwing the door open. — Show the gentle- 
man h'in, John. The young ladies 'ave both concluded 
to be h'in. 

{Enter Percy Oraball.) 
{During the following scenes Stiffneck stands in front of 
door and announces each visitor before he enters.) 



SCENE XIII. 

PERCY GRABALL, Mrs. HUNTER, BLANCHE 
and ETHEL. 

Mrs. Hunter. — Oh ! Mr. Graball, I'm just delighted to 
see you. These girls were just saying that you are 



18 M0NEYMAK1NG AND MATCHMAKING. 

always so entertaining. Do try, and wake them up, for 
they 've been 'most asleep. 

Percy. — And did they say I was entertaining? Oh ! 
that is awfully good of them. Nobody ever said that 
before. 

Blanche. — Did you see Lakme last night, Mr. Grabal], 
and is the music really as pretty as they say ? 

Mks. Hunter, aside to Ethel. — What makes you let that 
forward girl monopolize all his attention. Can't you say 
something, and he such a catch, too. 

Ethel. — Oh! Mr. Graball, have you been to the 
Casino lately. They say the scenery is just too lovely 
for anything. 

Percy. — I didn't look much at the scenery, but they 
have five new girls in the chorus, regular stunners. 
Why, one of them is over six feet tall, and has a staring 
red and white complexion. 

Mrs. Hunter. — It's all paint, besides I can't endure 
those tall women. 

Ethel. — He ! he ! he ! (Aside.) Isn't Ma too cute for 
anything. 

Mrs. Hunter. — Ethel, my child, you have a very bad 
cough, I really do think you must have caught cold at 
Mrs. Toploftus' tennis party last week. Oh ! Ethel does 
so adore out-door sports, Mr. Graball. 

Percy. — Keally, I think they are awfully jolly myself. 

Blanche. — Did you see the race between Fantastic and 
Flippant at Jerome Park yesterday: I do so like a race 
where there are only two horses and a dead-heat. Then 
one can be pleased for both of the brave creatures and 
need not be sorry for either. 



ACT 1. 19 

Percy. — Bat you don't win on either, when they are 
both quoted even before the race. Why, Jack Grabbem 
took Flippant and I took Fantastic, and we were neither 
of us a bit the better for it. 

Mrs. Hunter, aside to Ethel. — Don't you see how she is 
monopolizing him, can't you say something? 

Ethel. — But I do hope you were more lucky on some 
of the other races. 

Percy. — No, I lost a pile on Fantom in the Downtown 
Stakes, and as Pa only gives me an allowance, and after 
the pile I lost at Sheepshead last summer, he said he 
wouldn't pay another penny for me, so I had to let go 
and knock under. 

Mrs. Hunter, aside. — I have suspected this all along, 
and the old man will live forever. (Draivs her chair aivay 
from Percy; aloud.) Ethel, my dear, come here, there is 
something wrong about the sleeve of your dress. 

Stiffneck, announcing. — Mr. Charles Tattleton and 
Mr. John Badminton. 

{Enter Badminton and Tattleton.) 



SCENE XIV. 

Mrs. HUNTER, BLANCHE, ETHEL, PERCY, BAD- 
MINTON, TATTLETON and STIFFNECK. 

Badminton. — I caught Charley at the club and hauled 
him right up here. 

Tattleton. — It did not require Badminton's interven- 
tion to remind me that I might have the pleasure of 
meeting you this afternoon, Mrs. Hunter, and the young 
ladies too, but where is Mrs. Ketchum ? 



20 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

Mrs. Hunter. — Mrs. Ketcbum asked Ethel and I to 
help her receive, and as she is unavoidably detained, 
she thought you might excuse her for a few minutes, the 
more particularly as it is only an informal five o'clock. 
I am sure we will do our very best to entertain you. 

Tattleton. — And I am sure you will succeed most 
charmingly, Mrs. Hunter. 

Mrs. Hunter, aside. — He knows everybody, he is a 
most valuable acquaintance, and then that rich uncle of 
his may die any day. (Aloud.) Ethel, my dear, don't 
you heard Mr. Tattleton is speaking to you ? 

Ethel. — I didn't hear him, Mamma. (Mrs. Hunter 
frowns with warning gesture.) Oh ! I really beg your 
pardon, Mr. Tattleton. 

Mrs. Hunter. — Oh ! the dear child is so absent minded. 
She's a real Boston girl, Mr. Tattleton, she delights in 
nothing but learned books. 

Tattleton. — And what have you been reading lately, 
Miss Ethel? 

Ethel. — Oh ! I was just reading the " The Slip — " 

Mrs. Hunter.— The " Sleeping Beauty," Mr. Tattle- 
ton, a learned German work on comparative myths, and 
fairy stories, particularly relating to that beautiful 
tale which has delighted us all in our childhood. 

Badminton. — Oh ! I say, Mrs. Hunter, have you heard 
of Windbaggin's new invention, it's just glorious. A 
kind of bicycle with a trapeze on top. It's for two 
fellows, one of them works the bicycle while the other 
exercises on the trapeze in the open air. They say 
Central Park 'ill be full of 'em next year. I told Wind- 
baggin I'd order three of 'em right off. 



ACT I 21 

Blanche. — But are you not afraid, Mr. Badminton, 
that people will laugh at you ? 

Badminton. —No, they never laugh at anything in 
New York when it's the fashion. Besides Windbaggin 
says they 'ill be all the rage in London next spring, and 
then they 're sure to take here. 

Tattleton. — A strange municipal government we 
have which prohibits innocent street bands, and yet 
would permit horses to be frightened and harmless 
pedestrians killed by such a machine as that. 

Stiffneck, announcing. — Miss Acritonia Gushington. 

(Enter Miss Acritonia.) 



SCENE XV. 

Mrs. HUNTER, BLANCHE, ETHEL, Miss ACRITO- 
NIA, PERCY, BADMINTON and TATTLETON. 

Acritonia. — Oh ! Mrs. Hunter, I'm just charmed to 
see you looking so well, but I do hope that dear Mrs. 
Ketchum is not ill. 

Mrs. Hunter. — Oh ! no, thank you, Miss Acritonia, 
she will be here directly, 

Acritonia. — And the dear girls, how lovely they look, 
but between us two, don't you think they are dressed 
too gaily for their age, for they are only little chits, 
you know, little chits. 

Mrs. Hunter, aside. — The mean, envious thing. (Aloud.) 
But here, Miss Acritonia, is a friend whom you will be 
glad to see, and who will be delighted to see you. 



22 M0NEYMAK1NQ AND MATCHMAKING. 

Acritonia. — Oh! Mr. Tattleton, how could you treat 
me so, you naughty, naughty man, it's ages since I've 
seen you. I do believe you just live at the club. 

Tattleton. — I beg you to believe, Miss Acritonia, that 
I would be totally incapable of neglecting you for the 
most attractive club in the world, but I have been away 
for six months trying to cheer up my poor old uncle, 
Mr. Pogwoggon in Florida. 

Acritonia. — Oh ! that dear Mr. Pogwoggon, and has 
the Florida climate improved his health ? 

Tattleton. — I can hardly say so, Miss Acritonia, he 
was looking very poorly when I last saw him . 

Acritonia. — Oh! the poor dear man. (Aside.) They 
say he is worth millions, and will leave them all to Tat- 
tleton. I'd like to be sure of it. It doesn't do to be 
reckless at my age. 

Tattleton. — By the way, Miss Acritonia, have you 
heard from your venerable aunt, Mrs. Dinever, lately ? 
She was a perfect picture when I saw her last, with her 
beautiful white hair, and her stately old time manners. 

Acritonia. — Oh ! I am sorry to say, Mr. Tattleton, that 
she is failing fast. I — I am afraid that she will not be 
spared to me through the winter. 

Tattleton. — Oh! indeed, I am so sorry. (Aside.) If 
I could only believe her, but these old maids are so 
artful. 

Stiffneck, announcing. — Mrs. Flashem and Mr. T. 
Eushington Flashem. 

(Enter Mrs. Flashem and T. Eushington Flashem.) 



ACT I. 23 

SCENE XVI. 

Mrs. HUNTER, Mrs. FLASHEM, BLANCHE, ETHEL, 
ACRITONIA, FLASHEM, TATTLETON, BADMIN- 
TON and PERCY. 

Mrs. Hunter. — Oh! Mrs. Flashem, I am so glad to 
see you, we were all talking about you, and wondering 
why you were so late. 

Mrs. Flashem. — Oh ! that was real kind of you, but it's 
all the fault of that son of mine. He's never on hand 
when he's wanted. How do you do, Miss Acritonia, 
how are you, girls, you're both looking lovely. 

Flashem. — Now, Ma, don't be unreasonable, when a 
fellow has as many irons in the fire as I have, he never 
has much time for any one thing. Why, I was up at 
five o'clock this morning, took a galop round the park, 
noticed that the bridle path was badly paved, and 
thought of a new composition made of cork, and other 
stuff to try on it, will submit to Park Commissioners to- 
morrow ; rode on to 150th Street, and looked at some 
lots a fellow wants to make me swallow. Found too 
many rocks in 'em; no go. Then rushed home, wrote a 
hundred letters, or so, telephoned to my agent down 
town to buy a ship load of cork seized at the Custom 
House and advertised for sale. Then spent most five 
minutes at breakfast and was down town in less time 
than it takes to tell it. Worked like a beaver there to 
get off before six o'clock. So, you see, Mrs. Hunter, I 
was as good as my word, anyway. 

Mrs. Flashem. — You hear how that boy talks, he seems 
to think that no one else ever has anything to say. Tom, 



24 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

you go and entertain the young people, for I have some- 
thing to tell Mrs. Hunter, and Miss Acritonia too, for I 
&m sure she will enjoy the humor of it (aside) and 
spread it abroad. 

<{My*s. Flashem, Mrs. Hunter and Miss Acritonia I. the 
rest, r.) 

Mrs. Flashem. — It's all about that stuck-up Mr. Van 
Huckster. 

Acritonia. — Oh ? what is it ? I should so like to know. 

Mrs. Hunter. — Oh ! I do hope she has not entrapped 
that poor innocent Lord Flushington. 

Mrs. Flashem. — Lord Flushington, indeed ! I should 
think not. After her ignominious failure with Lord Kas- 
pin, it's about time she 'ed given it up. Why don't } T ou 
know the bans were published, and it was just six days 
from the wedding, when Kaspin found out his lovely, 
young bride was nut as richly endowed as he thought, 
so he said he 'ed rather have none of it, and retreated 
abruptly, and Mrs. Van Huckster is still hunting for 
some forlorn English peer willing to take her. 

Mrs. Hunter, with anxiety. — And has she found him? 

Acritonia. — Oh ! do tell us all about it. 

Mrs. Flashem. — No, but I've found somebody who 
knows all about her, and that family of hers she talks so 
much of; Knickerbocker aristocracy indeed! Why, she 
is no more Knickerbocker aristocracy than you or I. 

Mrs. Hunter. — I beg your pardon, Mrs. Flashem, but 
my maternal grandfather was Petrus Van Herbarsten 
one of the oldest Dutch settlers. 

Acritonia. — And my grand-father, Colonel Gushing- 
ton, was own cousin to Jonas Van Stranghausen, so 
famous in our early colonial annals, and my mother's — 



ACT I. 25 

Mrs. Flashem. — Never mind, ladies, if you tell me all 
about your families, I'll never have time to tell you any- 
thing of Mrs. Van Huckster's before she arrives. Well ! 
her father kept a little green grocery down in Baxter 
Street, and she used to wait on the counter; and Van 
Huckster, who do you suppose he was ? Why, a street 
vender, a man who went around with a hand-cart, and 
bought up green fruit from the West India steamers, 
and then dragged the cart all over the town to sell it. 
Some people say he had a horse in the cart, but I don't 
believe it, I think he dragged it himself. 

Acritonia. — Yes, indeed, that would account for the 
aristocratic gout that crippled him in his old age. 

Mrs. Hunter. — And they put on such airs afterward. 

Mrs. Flashem. — The street boys called him Huckster. 
His own name must have been something worse, for he 
adopted that as an improvement. Well ! in the course 
of trade, he visited the Baxter Street green grocery, 
met the fair daughter of the house, fell in love with and 
married her. 

Mrs. Hunter. — Is it possible ; and that was the way 
Mrs. Van Huckster began life. 

Mrs. Flashem. — Yes, Mr. Van Huckster was never in 
any better business than that, but he speculated in 
vacant lots, and made piles of money. And then they 
added the Van to their names, got an assortment of 
coats-of-arms, and went in for aristocracy. 

Acritonia. — So, he made all his money in vacant lots, 
did he ? No wonder Mrs. Van Huckster considers 
landed property so aristocratic. 

{Badminton and Flashem detach themselves from group on 
the i*ight and advance towards fore-ground.) 



26 M0NEYMAK1NG AND MATCHMAKING. 

Badminton. — Do, like a good fellow, give me a point 
on stocks, for I've been awful hard up since the ten 
thousand dollars I lost on the great high-kicking match 
between Briggs and Biggs. 

Flashem. — Give you a point Take my advice in one 
thing, Jack, points in stocks from a smart fellow like 
me, are about the sharpest-edged weapons any young 
man can receive and are sure to stab him every time. 

Tattleton, coming forward. — Do you know what they 
were saying down at the Union Trust Club this after- 
noon. Why, that old Jeremiah Graball took Mrs. Ket- 
chum in on matches to-day, and made her lose thousands 
and thousands of dollars in a few hours. 

Flashem. — Took her in on matches ! Great stars ! I 
did'nt know there was a man living could do that. Why, 
she spends her whole life studying them. 

Tattleton. — Studying matches, I didn't know she had 
any time for such things. 

Badminton. — Oh! he means sparking, the spoons and 
that kind of thing. 

Flashem. — Yes, trying to spark matches that never 
will go off. 

Tattleton. — But these weren't that kind of matches, 
they were the sulphurous sort. 

Flashem. — Sulphurous, I should say so ; that was what 
any match the old lady put her hand to was sure to be. 
I'll wager that her son-in-law will find the sulphur red 
hot and burning every time. 

Tattleton. — Oh ! you know I mean the match trust, 
and it's a serious thing, too. 



ACT I. 27 

Flashem. — Yes, from what I've heard I can well 
believe it. But those cork pavements took up my whole 
day, and I had hardly a minute to spend at the Exchange. 
But come, tell me all about it. 

Stiffneck, announcing. — Mrs. Van Huckster and Mr. 
J. Blackstone Van Huckster. 



SCENE XVII. 

Mrs. HUNTER, Mrs. VAN HUCKSTER, Mrs. FLASH- 
EM, BLANCHE, ETHEL, ACRITONIA, FLASHEM, 
VAN HUCKSTER, PERCY, TATTLETON and BAD- 
MINTON. 

Stiffneck, as Van Huckster £>a.s'St;s him. — 'and He 
thinks that looks like h'an h'Englishman. 

Mrs. Hunter. — Oh! I'm delighted to see you, Mrs. 
Van Huckster. 

Mrs. Flashem. — And I, too ; I'm just delighted. 

Acritonia. — And I too, dear Mrs. Van Huckster, we 
are quite strangers to one another now. 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — And I, too, am pleased to see you 
all, but it was really so warm this afternoon, that I 
almost gave up all idea of coming. (Aside. ) These dread- 
ful, noisy people, why can't they have some English 
repose of manners, (Aloud.) But where is Mrs. Ket- 
chum? 

Mrs. Hunter. — Oh ! she will be here in an instant. 
(Aside.) I wonder if this disagreeable woman is really 
worth cultivating anyway. 



28 M0NEYMAK1NG AND MATCHMAKING. 

Acritonia, aside. — She's looking around to see if Lord 
Flushington is here. 

Van Huckster. — But have any of you fellows, seen 
Flushington to-day ? 

Tattleton. — No, but I met De la Com are at the 
"Windsor this afternoon, and he said he had an appoint- 
ment with Flushington, and that they would be up here 
towards six o'clock. 

Van Huckster. — It's most six now, it's almost time he 
was here. 

Flashem. — I say, Van Huckster, what makes you care 
so much for that stupid Englishman; I don't think I 
ever saw such a blockhead in my life . 

Tattleton. — Besides, nobody knows who he is. 

Badminton. — He's the poorest hand at billards I ever 
saw, and drinks like a fish. For my part, I like little 
Cormarini, or whatever you call him, a deal better;, 
there's some fun in him. 

Van Huckster. — Why do I like him, for his truly 
English repose of manner, his admirable self-control,, 
his extensive knowledge of the ways of the world, and 
for that remarkable good form which distinguishes him,, 
and makes him a suitable companion for a gentleman . 
{Enter Mrs. Ketchum, followed by Jeremiah Graball.) 



ACT I. 29' 

SCENE XVIII. 

Mrs. KETCHUM, Mrs. HUNTER, Mrs. VAN HUCK- 
STER, Mrs. FLASHEM, Miss ACRITONIA, 
BLANCHE, ETHEL, JEREMIAH GRABALL, 
PERCY, FLASHEM, VAN HUCKSTER, TATTLE- 
TON and BADMINTON. 

Mrs. Ketchum, aside to Graball. — I can scarcely believe 
what you tell me about Mr. Thurman. It seems hardly 
possible that he would resort to such a manoeuvre to 
force my consent to his marriage with my daughter .. 
But, never mind, Mr. Graball, he shall gain nothing by 
it ; I will speak to Blanche in your dear boy's behalf. I 
am sure he has misinterpreted her words ; youthful feel- 
ings are so susceptible ; but I will put it all right. 
(Aloud.) Ladies I do hope you will excuse my absence; 
a little unavoidable detention caused by a trifling 
matter which Mr. Graball has most kindly, successfully, 
I dare even say triumphantly arranged for me, with 
profit to us both ; is it not so, Mr. Graball ? 

Graball. — I hope so, and I believe so, Mrs. Ketchum. 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — Oh ! my dear Mrs . Ketchum, I 
should so like to have a talk with you. It is about both 
our children. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Such a topic would charm me. Mrs- 
Van Huckster, but I fear we will have to postpone it till 
to-morrow morning when we will have a nice, quiet 
corner to ourselves. (Aside.) Does she think I am 
going to let Blanche marry her great ninny of a son 
when I have millions in my grasp. 

Stiffneck, (announcing.) — Lord Eustace Fitzhubert 
Flushington and Count Crispino de la Comare. 

(Enter Flushington and de la Comare.) 



30 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

SCENE XIX. 

Mrs. HUNTER, Mrs. KETCHUM, Mrs. FLASHEM, 
Mrs. VAN HUCKSTER, Miss ACRITONIA, ETHEL, 
BLANCHE, LORD FLUSHINGTON, COUNT DE 
LA COMARE, FLASHEM, JEREMIAH GRABALL, 
PERCY, TATTLETON and BADMINTON, 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Oh ! Lord Flushington, I am so glad 
to see you, what has made you so late ? We had almost 
given you up. 

Flushington (starts). — Given me up! (Recollects himself.} 
Oh ! you overwhelm me, Madame, you really do, but I 
came as soon as I could. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — And we are all so pleased to see you,, 
and you too, Count de la Comare . 

Comare. — Oh ! Madame, your charming kindness puts 
me beside meselve. Vil you permit me to kiss your 
lofely hand ? 

Mrs. Ketchum (aside). — He has such courtly manners^ 
any one could see he was a nobleman. 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — Oh ! Lord Flushington, won't 
you sit down here, I want to ask you so many questions 
about some London customs. 

Mrs. Hunter. — Oh ! yes, do, Lord Flushington. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Count de la Comare, you are so 
gallant, will you not entertain the young ladies, I am 
sure they are longing to hear your descriptions of your 
beautiful country, 

Comare. — Oh ! I vil be so delighted, Madame. (Joins 
group on right.) 



ACT I. 31 

Mrs. Ketchum (aside). — Those Italian noblemen are 
never rich, but they give distinction, and I'd like to 
see something about his attention to Blanche in Low 
Down Antics next Thursday. Nothing would help us 
more in this crisis, but I wonder why Mr. Thurman 
does not come, I'm beginning to be anxious. 

Stiffneck, announcing. — Mr. Daniel Thurman. 

(Enter Thurman). 



SCENE XX. 

Mrs. KETCHUM, Mes. HUNTER, Mrs. VAN 
HUCKSTER, Mrs. FLASHEM, Miss ACRITONIA, 
BLANCHE, ETHEL, THURMAN, FLASHEM, VAN 
HUCKSTER, JEREMIAH GRABALL, PERCY, 
BADMINTON, TATTLETON, LORD FLUSH- 
INGTON, and COUNT DE LA COMARE. 

{Stiffneck still in front of door). 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Oh! Mr. Thurman, I'm so glad to 
see you. We were all wondering what kept you, and 
my Blanche was just saying that your absence spoilt all 
our afternoon. 

Thurman. — And did Miss Blanche say that? 

Blanche. — How can I remember such trifles ? 

Mrs. Ketchum, aside to Thurman. — Oh! don't mind 
the child, she's shy, and then when they feel deeply, 
you know how young girls are. 

Mrs. Flashem. — Oh ! come, Mr. Thurman, and sit 
■down here, I have a lot of questions to ask you. 



32 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

Mrs. Hunter. — Oh ! no, do come here first, Mr. 
Thurman, I want you to come, hear something Lord 
Flushington is telling us, it is so entertaining. (Aside.) 
Does that brazen-faced Chicago widow think she can 
catch him. When a woman has had one rich husband, I 
think it is a downright shame for her to try, and get 
another. I call it monopoly, I do . 

Thurman, aside, looking at Blanche. — She never gives 
me one friendly glance, one kind word. Why should 
she who is so gentle to others, be so harsh to me? 

Flashem.— But, I say Thurman, come here, we fellows 
want to ask you something about stocks. 

J. Graball. — Oh! don't ask him about stocks, or he 
will talk philosophy to you. He thinks everything is 
governed by philosophy, even the stock market. 
(Aside.) I must get him in a corner, and learn the 
secret of that rise in wheat . 

Badminton . — Oh ! but Mr . Thurman won't you tell us 
how the cowboys out W 7 est manage to keep on bucking 
horses? 

Mrs. Flashem. — Oh ! yes they say you were a cowboy 
once yourself, Mr. Thurman. Oh ! how lovely and 
romantic . 

Thurman. — It is quite true, madame, I was a cowboy 
once, but it was only for a few months, when I could 
get nothing else to do. For the rest, it was a wild, but 
not unpleasant life. (Aside.) She prefers to talk to that 
shattering fool Tattleton, rather than even look at me. 

Mrs. Flashem. — And what kind of men are the cow- 
boys, anyway, Mr. Thurman? 

Thurman. — Oh ! good enough fellows, very much like 
any other men. 



ACT I. 33 

Van Huckster. — Oh ! you don't mean to say they are 
Hike the fellows one meets at the Club ? 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — Oh ! you don't mean to say that if 
we were to see one of them here, he could be mistaken 
for one of our young society men ? 

Thurman. — Here, 1 do not see why not; but if you 
were to see both men on horseback, you could never 
make such a mistake ; never! 

Mrs. Van Huckster, aside. — What a low subject of 
conversation. (Aloud.) Did you enjoy your trip in 
Europe last summer, Mr. Thurman ? 

Thurman. — Yes, I enjoyed it very much, though I 
scarcely took a fashionable tour, but traveled around 
the country, and through the popular quarters of the 
great cities, visiting the schools and manufactories. 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — Oh ! didn't you find the country 
in England awfully charming. 

Thurman. — Yes, it certainly is very pretty, but I think 
I felt more at home on the continent. 

Van Huckster. — Why, I should think a New Yorker 
would find everything very strange on the continent, it 
is not a bit English there. 

Tattleton . —But I am anxious to know what would 
strike an intelligent observer like you most on a first 
European visit ; I mean the chief difference between 
Europe and America. 

Mrs. Flashem. — Oh! yes do tell us, I'm just expiring 
to know. 

Badminton. — They're an awful slow set over there, 
aint they ? 



34 MONEYMAKINQ AND MATCHMAKING. 

Thukman. — No, they are not slow. I think they are 
moving just as rapidly, in one direction, as we are in 
another ; for while they are striding towards democracy 
with a startling impetus, we are rushing into a pseudo 
aristocracy, an oligarchy of unscrupulous wealth and 
presumption, with a recklessness which appals all intel- 
ligent and patriotic observers, who love their country, 
and have hoped for it a glorious and useful future . 

Mrs. Van Huckster, to Mrs Hunter. — How low to talk 
against aristocracy in a New York drawing-room . 

Mrs. Hunter. — Bat, he is so rich, you know, no 
rules need exist for him ; but, T think he must intend 
to run for Congress, or he wouldn't profess such ridic- 
ulously democratic sentiments. 

Mrs . Ketchum, aside . — If this continues much longer 
I'll never get to the point. 

{Motions to Stiffneek, and sjieaks to him in a whisper.) 

Stiffneck, throws open doors, and announces. — My lady 
is served . 

{General stampede of guests for the dining-room. In their 
haste, they jostle, hustle and almost fall over one another.) 

Badminton. — We're going to have a feed at last. 

Flashem. — I thought it was going to be a dry enter- 
tainment. The old woman is smart enough for such 
sharp practice . 

Percy, to his father . — You look mighty jolly, Pa. 

Graball. — Yes, my boy I've cornered the matrimonial 
market, and your future is assured. 



, 



ACT 1. 35 

{Mrs. Van Huckster and Mrs. Hunter both try to seize on 
Lord Flushington. After many futile efforts on his part 
to escape, he is overpowered , and offers an arm to. each of 
them. Mrs. Ketchum and Thurman bring up the rear, 
and when alt the others are gone, and they reach the door, 
she pauses.) 



SCENE XXI. 

Mrs. KETCHUM and THUKMAN. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — I would so like to speak to you for 
n few minutes in private, Mr. Thurman, it is about a 
matter which concerns the happiness of my poor 
daughter. 

Thurman. — Miss Blanche's happiness. Oh ! I would 
do anything, I would dare anything, even her displeas- 
ure, if I could have the proud consciousness of render- 
ing her, the smallest, the most insignificant service. 
Oh ! Mrs. Ketchum, you do not know how I love your 
daughter. 

Mrs. Ketchum, aside.— At last! (Aloud.) I have long 
suspected it, Mr. Thurman, and something Mr. Graball 
has just been telling me has made those suspicions 
certainties. I am sure you are not ignorant of the 
interest I have had lately in matches. 

Thurman. — Do you mean the match trust which 
declined to-day ; I am very sorry to hear it. But will 
you permit me to arrange your difficulties. I will 
esteem it a privilege, I assure you. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Ah ! I knew that after you had sent 
the stock down more points than I could carry at, you 
would come to my assistance. 



36 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

Thurman. — T send the match stock down, because I 
knew you held it. Could 3-011 believe me capable of 
such base conduct, Mrs. Ketchum ? 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Ah ! do not suppose that I bear any 
malice against you. All's fair in love, or war. You 
know how reluctant I am to part with my only child, 
and might as an impatient lover, use any stratagem to 
force my consent. 

Thurman. — Stratagem to force your consent! What 
do you mean, Mrs. Ketchum ? 

Mrs. Ketchum, aside. — He is not as smart as T thought, 
but he can't mean to back out now. (Aloud.) But Mr. 
Thurman, my maternal feelings, my reluctance to part 
with my Blanche shall never be allowed to interfere 
with her happiness. 

Thurman. — Ah! Mrs. Ketchum, if I could believe she 
had for me the least, I will not presume to say tender 
sentiment, but sympathy, or esteem, I would deem 
myself the happiest of men, if 

Mrs. Ketchum, eagerly. — If what, Mr. Thurman ? 

Thurman. — If I could be sure she would willingly 
accept me. If I could be sure it would not break her 
heart to marry me. 

Mrs. Ketchum, aside. — It will be more difficult than I 
thought. (Aloud.) Of that I can convince you easily, 
Mr. Thurman. Go to the dining-room, and tell Blanche 
I would like to see her, then wait outside in the con- 
servatory till I call you, and you may ask her yourself. 
You will see what she will say. 

Thurman. — Oh ! how can I thank you ? 

(Exit Thurman.) 



ACT I. 37 

SCENE XXII. 
Mrs. KETCHUM. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — I must be quick with that foolish 
child, a sudden shock is my only hope. I came near 
spoiling everything just now by my deliberate methods. 

{Enter Blanche,) 

SCENE XXIII. 
Mrs. KETCHUM and BLANCHE. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Oh ! Blanche, my child, my heart is 
broken, I hardly dare to tell you, you poor dear. 

Blanche, — Why, what is it, Mamma? dont cry like 
that. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Oh! it is a dreadful thing to tell 
you, but we are ruined my little Blanche, Mr. Thurman 
has just told me so. 

Blanche. — And what can Mr. Thurman know of our 
affairs, Mamma. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Why don't you know, haven't you 
seen this long time, that he's in love with 3 T ou, and you, 
you cruel girl, you have treated him, the best match in 
New York with scorn, and contempt. And he seeing 
no other prospect of obtaining your hand, has employed 
a stratagem which I must say does the greatest honor 
to his intelligence. 

Blanche. — And that stratagem, I can assure you, 
Mamma, that whatever it is, it will be unsuccessful. 



38 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Unsuccessful! and would you see 
your poor mother ruined, a pauper, compelled to beg 
her very bread, unable to give a single entertainment, 
:and obliged to give up her box at the opera. What 
would life be worth to me then ? Why, do you know if 
our accounts were settled to-night, we would not have 
$25,000 to live on, and I with my poor health . 

Blanche. — And you would wish me to marry a man 
who has reduced us to such a position . 

Mrs. Ketchum. — If I were asking 3-011 anything un- 
reasonable ; but Mr. Thurman is a man no woman need 
be ashamed to take into society, he is really distinguished 
looking when he has on a dress suit, and as he seldom 
opens his mouth in general company, he is not likely to 
say anything to compromise us. Oh ! if you would only 
marry him, your poor mother could die in peace and 
tranquility. 

Blanche. — But tell me what was it, this mean scheme, 
this base stratagem, you speak of . 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Well, a few weeks ago, old Mr. 
Graball induced me to take stock in a new match trust 
he was starting, and 1, thinking of your future ventured 
most of our little fortune, and M. Thurman hearing of 
this, with his usual acuteness, determined to force my 
hand, so he someway got hold of a quantity of stock, 
which he threw on the market this morning, and 
provoked such a decline that we are completely at his 
mercy. 

Blanche. — And you ask me to marry a man who would 
do such a base thing. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — But my goodness me! if you don't, 
where will we get the money to put up the margins to- 



ACT I. 39 

morrow ? Unless you would prefer to borrow it from 
old Mr. Graball, who lias promised it if you consent to 
marry his son Percy. And there is no time to be lost 
in either case. But I will not disguise it from you; in 
my opinion there is no comparison between the two 
men. Why ! Percy's father keeps him on a very short 
allowance, and he has never made a dollar in his life, 
and never will, and the most talented woman couldn't 
make him appear much, while Mr. Thurman is one of 
the most successful speculators in Wall Street . You see 
yourself there is no comparison . Ah ! Blanche, my little 
Blanche, do decide, for your poor Mamma's sake . 

Blanche. — And is there no escape, no way to save me 
from such a degradation. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Degradation ! what words you use. 

Blanche. — Mamma, is there no way to save us ? 

Mrs. Ketchum. — No; and I will go tell Mr. Thurman 
that you reject his proposals; that you scorn his 
proffered help; that you are willing that your poor 
mother should go down broken-hearted, and poverty 
stricken to a miserable grave. (Coughs violently.) There I 
there is my cough come back again. But you, what do 
you care whether I die, or not, nor how soon. 

Blanche. — Mamma, does it really hurt you? 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Hurt me, I should think so, I feel as 
if I was just going to die this minute. 

Blanche. — And would it make you happy if I said I 
would marry Mr. Thurman. If it would, I will do it. 

Mrs. Ketchum, suddenly recovers. — Happy! I should 
think so; but if I call him now, you won't say anything 
ugly to him; and if he asks you if you consent willingly, 
you will say yes ? 



40 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

Blanche. — Yes; I will say anything, if you only do not 
look as you did just now. 

Mks. Ketchum, opens door, and calls joyously. — Mr. 
Thurman, Mr. Thurman. 

{Enter Thurman.) 



SCENE XXIV. 
Mrs. KETCHUM, BLANCHE and THURMAN. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — I told you Mr. Thurman that if you 
would but permit me to plead your cause with my 
daughter, she would consent. 

Thurman. — And do you really consent to be my wife,. 
Miss Blanche, willingly, freely. 

Blanche, looking at her mother. — Yes, willingly. 

Thurman. — Oh! if you only knew how proud I am of 
your confidence, your esteem, I dare not say love, but 
even that I hope to win, if you only knew 

Blanche. — Spare me your protestations, Sir, there 

there is some one comiug. 

{Enter all the guests d. c.f. from the dining room . ) 

SCENE XXV. 

Mrs. KETCHUM, Mrs. HUNTER, Mrs. VAN HUCK- 
STER, Mrs. FLASHEM, Miss ACRITONIA, 
BLANCHE, ETHEL, THURMAN, FLASHEM, 
JEREMIAH GRABALL, PERCY, BADMINTON, 
TATTLETON, LORD FLUSHINGTON and COUNT 
DE LA COMARE. 

Mrs. Ketchum, aside. — I must not leave him a chance 
to slip out, nor that headstrong girl either. {Aloud.) 



ACT I. 41 

My friends I take this opportunity to make the first 
announcement of the engagement of my daughter to 
Mr. Daniel Thurman. J know you will all offer us your 
best wishes, though I am sure you will sympathise with 
me in what I cannot help regarding as a bereavement. 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — I am sure I am very much 
pleased, and wish you all the good fortune you deserve. 
(Aside.) The silly girl, when she might have had my 
Blackstone. 

Mrs. Flashem. — Oh ! I'm sure I never was so pleased 
in my life. (Aside.) The great blockhead, I could tear 
his eyes out. 

Mrs. Hunter. — My dear Mrs. Ketchum, you must 
know how pleased I am. (Aside.) After all I've spent,, 
and all I've done to get him for Ethel. 

Graball. — Mrs. Ketchum, you're a very smart woman y 
and deserve anything. 

Acritonia. — I do so love weddings. When will it come 
off? (Aside.) Did anyone ever see anything like tha 
luck of these girls ? 

Tattleton. — I am sure you will have a most distin- 
guished son-in-law. (Aside.) He has neither family, nor 
education; but nothing goes down here but money. 

Badminton. — I hope you won't forget to invite me to- 
the wedding, Mrs. Ketchum. (Aside.) I do hope it 'ill 
be in the evening, and that they will have a good sup- 
per, those wedding breakfasts are mean shams. 

Ethel. — Oh! do have a grand wedding, Mrs. Ket- 
chum ; they're too splendid for anything. (Aside.) 
When I get married, I mean to elope. 



42 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

Lord Flushington. — Will you receive my best wishes, 
madame. (Aside.) What piles of money that man must 
keep in his safe . 

Count de la Comare. — Will you permit me to con- 
gratulate you, madame, and your lofely daughter; and 
still more, the happy bridegroom. (Aside.) He has a 
very fine head of hair, but he doesn't put enough pom- 
made on it. 

Percy. — Mrs. Ketchum, I'm sure I wish you the very 
best of luck, and hope you will be awfully happy. 
(Aside.) I didn't want to get married anyway, and then 
she's drawn the line on Pa, and that's just glorious. 

Van Huckster. — I hope you will all be awfully 
happy. (Aside.) If the girl had no better taste than to 
take that common fellow when she might have had me, 
she's not worth regretting. 

Mrs. Ketchum, aside. — Now I can rest in peace, I have 
done my duty as a mother. 

Thurman, aside. — How I love her, I wonder if there is 
any man on earth happier than I am. 

Blanche, aside. — What have I done to deserve this 
degradation. Oh ! how I despise him. 

(Curtain.) 



ACT II. 

SCENE I. 
(Parlor in the house of Daniel Thurman.) 

Stiffneck, making a show of dusting and arranging fur- 
niture in a leisurely kind of way. — H'l cleared h'out h'of 
Mrs . Ketchuin's mighty quick h'af ter that day h'of the 
fall in the Match Trust. But hT think hT'm safe 'ere 
h'anyway, h'and h'as Mrs. Thurman keeps twenty-five 
domestics, hT h'aint troubled with h'anything to do, but 
h'announce the visitors. HT wish hT could h'only know 
what to think h'of that girl Suzette. She dresses very 
fine, but h'all the women h'in h America dress stunnin, 
whether they 'ave the money to pay for it h'or not. 
HT think h'Ted better not decide too soon, for h'is she 
French, h' American, or hTrish, h'it's h'all risky h'any- 
way, for the women in h'all them countries 'avent a 
proper sense h'of their h'own h'inferiority. They thinks 
themselves the h'equals h'of men, h'and h'acts h'as if 
they were their superiors. HT think hT'ed better not 
try h'it, for she boxed my h'ears last night when hT 
h'attempted to kiss her, h'as an h'openin wedge, hand 
we h' Englishmen likes to do h'all the beatin h' ourselves. 
H'and maybe she h'aint got nothing h'in the bank, 
h'af ter h'all, so hT think hT'ed better not venture. 

(Enter Suzette.) 



44 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

SCENE II. 

SUZETTE and STIFFNECK. 

Suzette. — And shure and madame 'ill be in here di- 
rectly, and you aint got nothing arranged. 

Stiffneck. — H'and do you h' expect me to do h'all the 
work h'in the 'ouse. (Aside.) H'l wonder h'if h'it's 
worth while being civil to 'er. 

Suzette, aside. — Maybe I'd better not say anything 
more to him, for he had another one of those letters 
yesterday. (Aloud.) Has Mr. Thurman gone down town 
yet? 

Stiffneck. — H'l should think so, 'e went hours h'ago. 
H' and is this what they calls an 'oneymoon h' in h'America. 
They h'aint been married six weeks, h'and my lady 'as 
a sick 'eadache h'every morning, h'and never shows 
'erself till hours h' after 'er 'usband's gone down town; 
then she h'appears towards one h'o'clock h'entirely well 
h'again, h'and dressed to kill, h'and receives h'a lot 
h'of visitors, h'and goes h'out towards four h'o'clock, 
h'and comes h'in h'again h'at six with h'another sick 
'eadache, h'and 'er 'usband h'eats h'is dinner h' alone, 
h'and h'after waiting h'a while for my lady to make 'er 
h' appearance 'e goes h'off to the club, h'and h'as soon 
h'as 'e's h'out h'of the 'ouse, my lady comes down 
h'again got h'up to kill, h'and goes h'off to the h'opera, 
h'or some h'other place where there's 'ighjinks, h'and 
then they both comes h'in, h'in the small hours of the 
morning, h'and the h' instant my lady sets foot h'in the 
'ouse, she 'as h'another sick 'eadhache, h'and shuts 
'erself h'up. H'and is this what they calls h'an 'oney- 
moon h'in h'America ? 



ACT II. 45 

Suzette. — And shure and what better would you 
want. Didn't everybody envy Miss Blanche when she 
married the rich Mr. Thurman, and hasn't she the 
purtiest corner house on the Avenue, just stocked from 
top to bottom with French pictures, carved wood, 
Chinese monsters, and things, and hasn't she the place 
in Lenox with the fifty thousand dollar mantelpiece, 
and a cottage at Bar Harbor, and a splendid box at the 
opera, and lots and lots of things besides, and didn't 
Mr. Thurman give her the longest and thickest diamond 
necklace in New York, and hasn't she already spent ten 
thousand dollars on her dresses. Madame Mulligan's 
boy told me so meself yisterday, and what more could 
a rasonable woman expict ? 

Sttffneck. — H'l can h' understand that she might be 
satisfied, but h'l should think that when 'e 'ed a married 
a poor girl, h' and you know she was poor, for the h'old 
missus was burst h'up that day by the fall h'in the 
Match Trust. H'l say that when 'e'ed h' a married h' a 
130or girl for 'er beauty, 'e 'ed naturally like to see some- 
thing h'of 'er. H'l call h'it h'a cheaten h'a man h'out 
'o 'is money's worth, h'l do. 

Suzette. — And if he did marry her for her beauty, 
and shure what would he want to see her for, doesn't he 
hear her looks talked about in all the papers, and 
oughn't that be enough for him ; shure, and I don't 
know what more h'ed be wantin, for if they niver see 
one anitherj how kin they quarrel ? All the divorces 
come from married people seein and knowin too much 
of one anither, but there I hear some one coming. It 
must be the madame ; so quick, fix things, do. 

{Enter Blanche d.r.) 



46 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

SCENE III. 
BLANCHE, SUZETTE and STIFFNECK. 

Blanche. — Here Stiffneck is a letter, I would like you 
to take to my mother's. 

Stiffneck, aside. — These h' Americans will never know 
h' any thing h' about style. Ten menh'in the 'ouse, h'and 
h'a h'expectin h'of the butler to take a letter. (Aloud.) 
H'and can't h'l send h'it by h'a messenger my lady? 

Blanche. — You may send it any way you like, only I 
want it to go quickly. 

(Exit Stiffneck.) 

Blanche. — And you, Suzette, go round to Madame 
Mulligan's, and see if she cannot finish my white gauze 
dress in time for the opera to-night. 

(Exit Suzette.) 



SCENE IV. 
BLANCHE. 

Blanche. — What a wretched and irrational thing life 

is ! and I who thought myself so superior to all these 

people, and now — now I am more contemptible than 

any of them, for I spend this man's money just — just 

to fill up the the time, and keep from thinking. And 

he, when I think of what he did, and that they made 

me marry him, I hate him, and ah ! how I hate, how I 

loathe and despise myself. But how could a man who 

would do such a thing, find such proud, and tender 

looks, such gentle and manly ways. But I will not see 

him again, I will not. 

(Enter Stiffneck, d. r.) 



ACT II. 47 

SCENE V. 
BLANCHE and STIFFNECK. 

Stiffneck — H'it's young Mr. Graball my lady. 'E 
seems very h' excited, h'and strange my lady, h'and 'as 
some great 'orrid thing h'in 'is 'and, h'and h'insists 
h'upon bringin h'of h'it h'in. 

Blanche. — Oh! ask him in, Stiffneck, he always is a 

little strange. 

Stiffneck, thrvws open door, and announces. — Mr. Percy 

Graball. 

{Enter Percy Graball.) 

{Stiffneck continues to stand in front of door during thefol- 
loiving scenes.) 



SCENE VL 

BLANCHE and PEKCY. 

{Percy calories a bucket and broom painted in brilliant colors, 
and tied ivith huge boivs of ribbon of many shades, and 
Mr. Graball in large letters on the bucket.) 

Percy. — Oh ! Mrs. Thurman, I wanted to know if you 
'ed be so awfully kind as to let me leave this here till 
to-morrow morning. It's a little favor they gave all us 
fellows at Mrs. Litherford Jumbleton's luncheon around 
the corner, and in trying to take it home in the coupe, 
the broom handle crashed through one of the windows, 
and I know Pa will be raspin mad. I couldn't throw it 
into the street, as my name's painted on it, so I brought 
it in here, and will you be so awfully nice as to let me 
leave it, till I can send a messenger to fetch it away . 



48 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

Blanche. — Oh! certainly, Mr. Graball, there are no 
objections to it's remaining here, but what a queer thing 
to give for a favor. 

Percy. — Do you think so, Mrs. Thurman? why, it's 
nothing to what we got the other night at Mrs. Fitz- 
maurice Friskam's German. Why, each of us fellows 
received a huge box of soap decorated all over with 
American flags and little jingling bells. And Mrs. 
Friskam said the flags were to mark the soap as the 
national emblem, and the bells were to attract the 
attention of the ladies. And Flashem, who was there, 
said Mrs. Friskam was an awful cute woman. But 
what are you laughing at? I can tell you it was no joke 
to carry 'em. 

Blanche. — I was only thinking Mrs. Friskam shows a 
strange kind of wit in her selections. 

Percy. — Anyway, they were awful heavy. The idea 
of expecting a fellow to carry anything as heavy as 
that, unless it was a cane. 

Blanche. — But what did the young ladies receive? 

Percy.— Oh! they got the best of the bargain, they 
had fishing nets and fishing hooks that caught in every 
fellow's hair as they moved around, and then the mar- 
ried women got match-safes, with lots and lots of bows 
on them, to brighten them up, Mrs . Friskam said. 

Blanche. — I think I must cultivate Mrs. Friskam's 
acquaintance, she seems to be the only woman in New 
York who makes a rational selection of favors. 

Percy.— Oh! but you ought to have seen the brooms 
stacked up in the center of Mrs. Jumbleton's lunch table, 
all strung with bows and bouquets, and every fellow 



ACT II. 49 

had a bucket in front of him, as a champagne cooler, all 
wreathed around with flowers, and Mrs. Jumbleton said 
that was a Greek luncheon, and it was too jolly for any- 
thing, for each of us fellows got his full quart bottle of 
Veuve Cliquot. 

Stiffneck, announcing. — Mr. John Badminton. 

{Enter Badminton.) 



SCENE VII. 
BLANCHE, PEECY and BADMINTON. 

Badminton. — Oh! I'm awfully glad to see you Mrs. 
Thurman, and you, too, Percy old boy. You have an 
awfully jolly place here, haven't yon, and you're look- 
ing just lovely. 

Blanche. — And you too are looking well, Mr. Bad- 
minton, the country air seems to have agreed with you. 

Badminton. — Yes, I tell yon, Mrs. Hurlington Hallum 
has a jolly, snug place down there, at Braxedo, and we 
fellows just went it. 

Percy. — Were there many jolly girls down there? 

Badminton. — Girls ! I don't know, but there were lots 
of stunning horses, and we went fox hunting every day. 

Blanche. — Ah ! the poor foxes, how could you be so 
cruel ? 

Badminton. — Don't you worry about the foxes, Mrs. 
Thurman, there wern't any of 'em anywhere about ; but 
we hunted 'em all the same. We were at it from morn- 
ing till night, and had such jolly luncheons out on the 



50 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

grass. But the last hunt was an awful fluke, for we 
came to a wire fence miles long, with no way round it 
It was too high for the horses to walk over, and we 
couldn't pull it down, for it had spikes sticking out all 
over it ; so we turned back, and went home. 

Blanche. — But couldn't you leap over it? 

Badminton. — Leap over it! why it was fully two feet 
high. 

Percy. — But I thought the American horse couldn't 
be beat for leaping. 

Badminton. — Neither can he, there is no animal in the 
world can beat the American horse at leaping. But the 
trouble is that he has such a quick unruly way of shoot- 
ing up into the air, that he's almost sure to leave his 
rider behind him. 

Stifeneck, announcing. — Miss Acritonia Gushington, 
and Mr. Charles Tattleton. 



SCENE VIII. 

BLANCHE, Miss ACEITONIA, TATTLETON, 
PEKCY and BADMINTON. 

Tattleton— I met Miss Acritonia out on the stoop, 
and she was kind enough to permit me to escort her in. 
What a lovely heme you have, Mrs. Thurman. (Aside.) 
How overcrowded with things these parvenu's houses 
are. 

Acritonia. — Oh ! my dear Mrs. Thurman, you look 
just too lovely for anything. (Aside.) I really do believe 
she's beginning to fade already. 



ACT II. 51 

Blanche. — Have you heard anything lately from your 
old Aunt, Mrs. Dinever, Miss Acritonia ? 

Tattleton, quickly. — Oh ! she is worse than ever, Mrs. 
Thurman. I've just been asking Miss Acritonia out on 
the stoop, and she says she can't last through the winter, 
poor, dear old lady. 

Blanche. — Indeed ! I am very sorry to hear it. 

(Tattleton, Percy, and Badminton form group on the right, 
Blanche and Acritonia, left.) 

Acritonia. — Have you seen anything of Mr. Tattleton' s 
dear pleasant old uncle, Mr. Pogwoggon ? 

Blanche. — I havn't seen him lately; he's dyspeptic, 
you know, and thinks cold weather injures him, so he 
goes early to Florida every season. 

Acritonia, aside. — Florida and dyspepsia. If one of 
them doesn't kill him, the other surely will. 

Blanche. — Ah ! now I think of it, I did see him last 
week at the Wagner concert, and as he sat erect, and 
attentive for four hours, I think he must be very well 
indeed. 

Acritonia, aside. — Four hours of Wagner. Ah ! he 
can't survive that long, unless he's made of iron. 

Stiffneck, announcing. — Mrs. Bushington Flashem, 
and Mr. T. Bushington Flashem. 



SCENE IX. 

Flashem. — How do you do, Mrs. Thurman, and you 
too, Miss Acritonia. How d'ye do, boys. You've got a 
stunning roost in here. 



52 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

Mrs. Flashem. — Oh! yes, it's just lovely, and I tell 
you, your curtains make a stunning show from the 
street, but fine as they are, I think I can beat you on 
'em. Oh! I wish you could just see my front parlor, 
I've had it rigged up as an Egyptian room, for you 
know the Moorish, Pompeian and Renaissance rooms 
have been done to death, so I've had mine fixed up in 
Egyptian style, and Tom has sent to Egypt to get a 
genuine mummy of one of the Pharoahs to put in the 
bay window. 

Aceitonia. — So people can see it from the street. 

Mrs. Flashem. — Yes, of course, and then everyone 
will ask whose house it is. For that purpose it will be 
better than the handsomest Sevres vase, but I wish you 
could see the lovely Egyptian gown I'm having made, to 
receive in. 

Acritonia. — At Bluefeaf's? 

Mrs. Flashem. — No, at Madame Bridget Mulligan's, 
she's French you know, and we Chicago people are not 
so crazy about English things as you New Yorkers. 
But I wish you could see my dress, it's just lovely, what 
there is of it. 

Blanche. — And how is it made, Mrs, Flashem ? 

Mrs. Flashem. — Oh ! you don't suppose I'm going to 
give away my ideas, but I'll tell you something about 
it. It's all slashed up on one side to show the foot. 

Acritonia. — I didn't know a Chicago woman ever 
wanted to show her foot. 

Mrs. Flashem. — And why not, when it has a fine boot 
on it. 



ACT II. 53 

Blanche. — Continue, Mrs. Flashem, and tell us how 
the rest of the dress looks. 

Mrs. Flashem.— Oh! it's just lovely, it takes so little 
to make it, and then it shows the neck, and arms so 
beautifully. 

Tattleton, aside to Badminton. — I should think a 
woman as fat as that, would never want to show her 
neck and arms. 

Badminton, aside to Tattleton.— And why not ; one 
can't see too much of a good thing. 

Flashem. — Did you notice how low-spirited Thurman 
looked to-day. I tell you he must have been losing at 
stocks. 

Tattleton. — Maybe he has some trouble with his 
pretty wife. They don't seem over affectionate. Why, 
you never see them together. 

Badminton. — Yes, he spends all his evenings at the 
Club now, and mercy knows, it isn't lively there. 

Flashem. — A smart fellow like Thurman get the 
dumps about a woman! nonsense! Women! women! 
I tell you there are too many of 'em already in 
America. The market's overcrowded and overstocked 
with 'em. They do nothing but spend, spend, and 
don't add one dollar to .the national wealth. I'd export 
a lot of 'em, and then there 'ed be more money to go 
round, and a deal less mischief. 

Tattleton. — But you may marry some day yourself, 
Flashem. 

Percy. — Yes, you may get spoony some day yourself. 



54 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

Flashem. — Spoony, nonsense, no man of the present 
day believes in such a thing as love. Marry, humbug ! 
I shan't marry till I'em eighty or ninety, and too old to 
speculate. I tell you no fellow has nerves strong enough 
to run a wife, and the stock market at the same time. 
But this is what I might do. If some fellow were to 
appear with a stunning ability for catching the bo^s 
and running trusts, and combines, and if the same 
fellow were to throw a daughter on the market, I might 
bid her in, in order to get points from the father, that is 
if I were sure he had uncommonly strong family feel- 
ings; for otherwise he might trick me, make me pan 
out, and keep me on a pension just to show how smart he 
was. Ah ! marriage, even under such attractive cir- 
cumstances, is a risky business, and T. Rushington 
Flashem, '11 look a good many times before he leaps. 
Besides I can marry Ma to the speculator, and then I 
will get all the points without any risk, for there is oue 
person no man in America will cheat, and that's his 
wife, — she's such a convenient cover for property in a 
case of fraudulent bankruptcy. But I never half liked 
the idea of Daniel Thurman for a step-father. He's too 
attractive a fellow, and too much affection would spoil 
the only rational use a marriage could be put to. 

Tattleton. — Now, I think of it, I did hear some gos- 
sip at the club about Thurman having lost a pile on the 
nutter in wheat. 

Badminton. — But a few millions more or less, what 
difference can that make to Dan ? Mrs. Thurman will 
give swell dinners all the same. 

{Percy and Badminton go up towards background.) 

Flashem, to Tattleton. — Now since those boys are gone, 
I can tell you what it is. It's more serious than you 



ACT It 55 

think, it's old Graball taking his revenge on Thurman 
for getting Mrs. Ketchum out of his clutches when he 
cornered her on matches, and thought he had her dead. 
Thur man's the smartest fellow of the two, but maybe 
he's one of those queer survivals who believe in love. 
If he's got that kind of nonsense in his head, he'd 
better pan out right off and knock under, for old 
Grabb's as cool as a cucumber. 

Tattleton. — He has no cultivation whatever, and not 
even the most rudimentary education. 

Flashem. — Nonsense ! he has forty millions. 

Stiffneck, announcing. — Mrs. Van Huckster and Mr. 
J. Blackstone Van Huckster. 

(Enter Mrs. Van Huckster and Mr. J. B. Van Huckster.) 



SCENE X. 

BLANCHE, Mrs. FLASHEM, Mrs. VAN HUCKSTEB,. 
FLASHEM, VAN HUCKSTEB, PEBCY, TAT- 
TLETON, BADMINTON and ACKITONIA. 

Mrs Van Huckster. — Your house is really very 
beautiful. Mrs. Thurman, it has quite an English look. 

Van Huckster. — But don't you find it very hot in the 

city in December, Mrs. Thurman? 

Blanche. — Oh ! not at all, I even find it pleasant in 
September. 

Mrs. Van Huckster.— Oh ! we never leave the country 
till after Christmas. It is so homelike to take the 



56 M0NEYMAK1NG AND MATCHMAKING. 

Christmas dinner in the great family hall, with the 
portraits of one's ancestors hanging round, and a big 
blazing log fire to make it cheerful. 

Van Huckster. — Then the tenants think it's so awfully 
jolly to have us there. 

Tattleton, aside to Flashem. — Tenants, why they have 
only a cottage with ten rooms in it at Seabright, and 
five acres around it, with not even a tree in them. 

Badminton. — Yes, but they'd rather freeze than come 
into the city before the first of January. 

Percy. — I should think they'd get the dumps down 
there, with nothing to keep 'em company but the great 
howling ocean. 

Flashem. — Oh! we know it's all sham, but it pays in 
New York. 

Acritonia. — But doesn't this arrangement of staying 
in the country so late suit the English climate better 
than ours ? 

Blanche. — Yes, the English winter climate is much 
milder than ours. 

Mrs. Yan Huckster. — The English climate is just lovely 
I think the London atmosphere in November is just too 
sweet for anything, it's so delightfully solid and sub- 
stantial. 

Mrs. Flashem. — But isn't this dodge of staying in the 
country till you're frozen stiff a new idea? 

Badminton. — And the climate couldn't have changed 
in the last five years, you know. 

Van Huckster. — But if it is necessary that the 
American climate should be changed in order to 
become English, it will be, you know. 



ACT II. 57 

Stiffneck, announcing — Mrs. Hunter, Miss Ethel 
Hunter, Lord Eustace Fitshubert Flushington, and 
Count Crispino de la Com are. 



SCENE XI. 

BLANCHE, ETHEL, Mrs. HUNTER, Mrs. FLASH- 
EM, Mrs. VAN HUCKSTER, Miss ACRITONIA, 
FLASHEM, VAN HUCKSTER, LORD FLUSH- 
INGTON, COUNT DE LA COMARE, PERCY, 
TATTLETON and BADMINTON. 

Blanche. — Ob! I am so glad to see you, Mrs. Hunter, 
and dear Ethel, too. 

Mrs. Hunter. — And I, I've just been dying to come 
around to see you before, but couldn't. (Aside to Ethel.) 
Ethel, don't you waste your time on that della 
Cormarini, but hold on to Lord Flushington ; can't 
you see that Van Huckster's woman is dying to grab 
him? 

Tattleton, aside. — Where have I seen that Italian 
before ? 

Van Huckster. — Oh ! Lord Flushington I want to ask 
you a question about cross-country riding. 

Badminton. — Yes, we all know you Englishmen are 
such good judges of field sports, I'm sure you can tell 
us. 

Flushington. — Oh ! I'll be awful glad to oblige you, 
I'm sure. 

Van Huckster. — We were disputing as to whether a 
horse would show his best speed on a fine smooth road, 



58 MONEYMAKINO AND MATCHMAKING. 

such as you have in England, or on a rolling country 
with short green turf. 

Flushington. — Oh ! I should think that would depend 
upon how hotly he was pursued by the bai — 

Badminton, and Van Huckster . Pursued ! ! 

Flushington, aside. — Curse my stupidity. (Aloud.) 
What was I saying, pursued; why, pursued by the dogs 
of course. 

Badminton. — Oh ! is that the way they do it in 
England ? They let the fellows out first, and then 
send the dogs after them. Oh ! that would be a jolly 
idea down at Braxedo, where we have no foxes, and the 
cursed beasts of dogs run in every direction, and lead 
a fellow such a race. 

Count de la Comare, to Ethel. — Oh ! my adored, if you 
would but listen to me. 

Ethel. — Oh ! yes, but I will listen to you some other 
time, when Ma isn't looking. 

Comare. — And } 7 ou vil, how you call it here, elope 
wid me to-morrow, from Mrs. Ketchum's ball, and ve 
vil be married, and go away to sunny Italy, to my 
beautiful home. 

Ethel. — Oh ! yes, indeed I will, but on one condition. 

Comare. — And vat is that condition, my adored. 

Ethel. — That you will send me to-morrow morning 
that photograph of your castle in the Appenines, you 
promised me . 

Comare. — Oh ! I vil send it my beautiful adored, I vil 
send it to-morrow evening. (Aside.) Time to get it 
taken. 



ACT II. 59 

Ethel. — No, I must have it before midday, or I won't 
go. 

Comare, aside. — She wants to verify it. (Aloud.) Oh! 
you are a real American girl. 

(Enter Thurman, d. r.) 



SCENE XII. 

Mrs. HUNTER, Mrs. FLASHEM Mrs. VAN HUCK- 
STER, Miss ACRITONIA, BLANCHE, ETHEL, 
THURMAN, FLASHEM, VAN HUCKSTER, LORD 
FLUSHINGTON, COUNT DE LA COMARE, 
PERCY, TATTLETON and BADMINTON. 

Stiffneck, as Thurman passes him . — "Well h'if 'e 'asn't 
brass to present 'imself like that h'in my lady's recep- 
tion without being h' announced. 

Chorus of the women, with the exception of Mrs. Van 
Huckster ivho preserves a stately frigidity.*) — Oh! Mr. 
Thurman, we are so glad to see you. Oh ! Mr. 
Thurman, we're just delighted, it's just too sweet to 
see you once again. You're quite a stranger; why don't 
you come to see me, etc., etc. 

Mrs. Van Huckster, aside. — And to think that Blanche 
Ketchum married that common man, when she might 
have had my Blackstone. Oh ! these people make me so 
nervous, they have no English repose of manner. 

Flashem. — Oh! do tell us about the stock market. 
Ma hauled me up here before I could get half a bite at 
it this morning. 



60 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING 

Thurman. — Oh! there was rather an excited market, 
but that will hardly interest these ladies . 

Mrs. Flashem. — Oh! yes it will, Mr. Thurman, we 
Chicago women are all interested in stocks. 

Mrs. Hunter. — Oh ! yes, we poor mothers have to keep 
track of such things. 

Acritonia. — Oh! yes, I'm sure it would be most 
interesting and beautiful, as you would describe it. 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — Yes, do tell us how English 
consols were. 

Thurman. — You will excuse me ladies. I know it is 
only a polite desire to please and entertain me, that 
causes you to wish to listen to such dry subjects, (In a 
whisper to Blanche.) Won't you speak to me, Blanche, 
won't you even look at me. 

Blanche. — And what would you have me say ; before 
all these people, too. 

Thurman. — But when they are gone away, may I re- 
main? 

Blanche. — You can do as you like, it is your own 
house . 

Mrs. Flashem. — Oh ! do you know, Mr. Thurman, 
what Tom saw about you in the newspapers? Why, 
that you were going to run for Congress out West. Is 
it true ? 

Thurman, smiling. — About as true as such things 
usually are in the newspapers, that is there is a little 
truth in it. Six years ago when they were trying to 
elect an honest and patriotic man to the presidency, 



ACT II. 61 

with enough intelligence to see the difficulties, and 
dangers of the situation, and enough integrity to com- 
bat them, I did what service I could. 

Flashem. — Oh! yes I heard you were a famous stump 
speaker. 

Mrs. Van Huckster, aside. — Stump speaker, why can't 
they say he spoke from the hustings, as cultivated 
people should. 

Thurman. — I am inclined to think that my services 
were overrated, but whatever ability I possessed I 
endeavored to use, for every day convinces me more, 
and more that no time is to be lost in stemming the 
moral corruption which is gangrening the vital forces of 
this country, and is making its political life an ever 
spreading fountain of demoralization, and its social life 
an aggregation of grotesque shams. 

Flashem. — But T say, Thurman, tell us about your 
running for Congress, for who is interested in the 
politics of his country, excepting from a personal point 
of view . 

Thurman, — Oh! it's a short story, after the presiden- 
tial campaign was successfully concluded, the majority 
of the inhabitants of the town where I was born wanted 
me to run for Congress from their district. Circum- 
stances then compelled me to decline. They renewed 
their offer the other day, and I suppose that was the 
origin of the paragraph. 

Mrs. Flashem. — Oh! but you won't consent, you 
won't take dear Blanche away, just at the beginning of 
the ball season. 



62 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

Flashem. — And you won't go away just when the 
stock market is getting lively. 

Thurman. — I have not decided yet, the decision will 
depend upon the choice of another. 

Mrs. Hunter. — Oh ! you mean Blanche; Blanche, dear 
Blanche, don't consent to bury yourself in the wild 
West. Don't go to that horrid Washington. {Aside. ) 
It's too exclusively a matrimonial market. Poor Ethel 
would have no chance there . 

Percy, to Badminton. — I say, Badminton, it's getting 
awfully slow here. Let us be off to the Casino. 

Badminton. — No, let us go up to the Athletic Club, 
and swing on the bars. (Aside.) Not so much as a 
sandwich, or a glass of lemonade, nor even a cup of 
Russian tea. 

Percy. — We fellows are going, Mrs. Thurman, I hope 
you will excuse us. 

Blanche. — Oh! certainly, Mr. Graball, remember me 
kindly to your father; M. Badminton I hope we will see 
you soon again. 

(Exeunt Percy a) id Badminton.) 

Flashem.- And I think Ma and I must be going; we 
have an appointment with Mr. Graball fortius evening. 
(Aside.) I'm sure old Grab has the whip hand of it, and 
he's just the very husband for Ma. 

(Exeunt T. Rushington Flashem, and Mrs. Flashem.) 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — I'm awfully vexed, Mrs, Thur- 
man, but we, too, must depart. 

Van Huckster. — Yes, really I'm awfully sorry, but 
won't you accompany us Lord Flushington ? 



ACT II. 63 

Lord Flushington. — Oh! so pleased, I'm sure. {Aside 
to De la Comare.) It's getting kind of lonesome, and I 
always get the shivers, when there's not plenty of 
people around. 

De la Comare, aside to Flushington. — Pshaw ! you've no 
nerve, you're not fit to be a lord. (Aloud.) Pernrt me 
to accompany you also, my dear Mrs. Van Huckster. 

(Exeunt Van Huckster, Mrs. Van Huckster, Lord Flush- 
ington and Count de la Comare . ) 

Acritonia. — I'm sure I'd like to stay, and have a quiet 
chat, but an unavoidable engagement with the dentist, 
you know. 

Tattleton, aside. — Dentist! why, she hasn't a tooth 
of her own in her head. (Aloud.) And will you permit 
me the great pleasure of escorting you up the Avenue 
to Doctor Clip's. 

Acritonia. — Ah ! so delighted, I'm sure. (Aside.) I 
can see that Thurman wants to be alone with his wife. 
How silly these young people are. 

(Exeunt Tattleton and Acritonia.) 



SCENE XIII. 
THUKMAN and BLANCHE. 

Thurman. — If you only knew how much I have to say 
to you, Blanche, you would not avoid me so. If you 
only knew how full my heart is of tenderness and re- 
morse; aye of remorse, for I know now that what your 
mother said, what perhaps under the influence of affec- 
tion for her, you confirmed was false, and that it was 
not a willing consent which made you my wife. 



64 MONEYMAKINO AND MATCHMAKING. 

Blanche. — And why should you feel remorse, Mr. 
Thurman ? It seems an ordinary thing in the society 
in which we live to disregard the delicacy of young 
girls, to trample on their pride, and their aspirations. 

Thurman. — Disregard your delicacy, trample on your 
pride . Ah ! can you not see that I adore you, that there 
is nothing I would not do to please you, to win one 
kind, one gentle word from you. 

Blanche. — And am I ever harsh or impolite when we 
meet, Mr. Thurman ? 

Thurman. — When we meet, a dozen times since we 
have been married, and then under the eyes of that 
crowd of gaping, vulgar, hypocrites. I know I should 
not have married you without a fuller, truer explana- 
tion, but I was mad, mad with infatuation and adoration. 
Surely a woman can forgive that. 

Blanche. — A woman can* forgive many things, Mr. 
Thurman; but there is one action that is beyond all 
pardon, it is that which irrevocably disposes of her 
whole life, and makes of her present a horror, and of 
her future a despair. 

Thurman. — A horror! and ami then so detestable, so 
abhorrent to yon. And yet, and yet, I have thought that 
I saw in your eyes some of the same noble pride I feel 
in my own heart. I have heard words fall from your 
lips that have found echos in the depths of my soul, 
and now, now you are an angel in my eyes. Surely, 
God could not have made us to be strangers to each 
other . 

Blanche. — Let me pass, sir, I — I can listen to no 
more. Let me pass. 



ACT II. 65 

Thurman. — Never! never! not like that, without a 
word, without a promise. 

Blanche. — And would you make an unmanly use of 
your strength Sir ? Let me pass, for I — I hate you. 

(Curtain.) 



ACT III. 

(Conservatory and parlor at Mrs. Ketchum's, brilliantly 
liyhted. ) 

(Enter Tattleton and Flashem, in evening dress.) 
SCENE I. 

TATTLETON and FLASHEM. 

Tattleton. — I must say Mrs. Ketchum lias fitted up 
her house very magnificently since her daughter's 
marriage, and her ball to-night is really brilliant. 

Flashem. — Yes, she must make Thurman pan out a 
deal of hard cash for the privilege of being the beauty's 
husband. 

Tattleton. — Yet, they say that was a position you 
once con ve ted. 

Flashem. — Never, I never wanted to marry anyone in 
my life. 

Tattleton. — But people used to think your attentions 
to Miss Blanche Ketchum were serious. 

Flashem. — Serious; I should think they were. Why, 
when I wanted to water stock, or rope some rich young 
dudes into a bogus combine, don't you suppose such a 
paragraph as this in Low Down Antics, was a serious 
aid to me. The assiduities and compromising attentions 
of the brilliant, but erratic Chicagoan, T. Kushington 
Flashem to the reigning beauty, Miss Blanche Ketchum, 



ACT III. 67 

have caused much gossip, and some malicious and 
curious reports, which we are, however, reluctant to 
believe, but which we will confess were very excusable 
considering the reputation for enterprise, and daring of 
the young Chicagoan. Don't you suppose such a par- 
agraph as that was sufficient to establish my reputation 
in the most select circles in the city ? 

Tattleton. — But I should have imagined that if it 
added to your reputation, it might have diminished the 
lady's. 

Flashem. — Nonsense, a little scandal helps a woman 
along in society wonderfully. 

Tattleton. — According to old fashioned notions, 
after the appearance of such a praragraph, you would 
have been compelled to shoot the writer, or marry the 
lady, or both . 

Flashem . — Shoot a writer in Low Down Antics, stab 
my benefactor to the heart, nonsense ! Besides, we 
don't marry much in Chicago, we prefer to get divorced. 

(Enter Badminton and Percy Graball.) 



SCENE II. 

BADMINTON, PERCY, TATTLETON and FLASHEM. 

Badminton. — I say, they're fixing up an awful fine feed 
out there. 

Percy. — Mrs. Ketchum beats everything for jolly 
balls. Why, I just saw tons of salad, and mountains of 
champagne out there. 



68 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

Badminton. — And the waiter told me some of it was 
Pommery extra sec. 

Tattleton. — No wonder; it doesn't cost her anything 
since her son-in-law pays the bills. 

Flashem. — And it's a good advertisement besides. 

Percy. — But, I say, Flashem, what's come over Pa, 
he looked as if he could have danced to-night. Has 
your Ma been courting him ? I think he's struck with 
her. 

Flashem. — Courting him ! never in the world. {Aside.) 
I hope she isn't going too fast, or the old fellow 'ill 
think he can have everything his own way. 

Percy. — Well, anyway, Pa was awful frisky, and paid 
some of my poker debts. Well! if it wasn't your Ma, it 
must have been the fall in wheat then. But come Jack, 
let us be going. 

(Badminton and Percy go tip towards door ; when near it 
they run against Mrs . Ketchum, who is just entering.) 

Mrs. Ketchum. — If you see your father out there 
Mr. Graball, will you tell him I would like to speak to 
him. 

Percy. — All right Mrs. Ketchum, if I lay hands on 
the governor, I'll haul him to . 

Badminton, to Percy. — Come along ! be quick, I hear 
the corks popping already. If we aint quick, all the 
champagne 'ill be swashed down by those greedy fel- 
lows out there. 

(Exeunt Percy and Badminton) 



ACT lit 69 

SCENE III. 
Mrs. KETCHUM, TATTLETON and FLASHEM. 

Tattleton {aside , to Flashem.) — Wants to see old 
Graball ; I wonder if it's another match trust. 

Flashem (aside, to Tattleton.) — I gness not; people 
are generally better off before they've seen old Grab 
than they are afterwards. 

Mrs. Ketchum, perceiving them. — Ah! gentlemen, you 
are not enjoying my ball, then? 

Flashem. —Oh ! yes, we are ; but we came here to dis- 
cuss stocks. You know that's what a Wall Street man 
goes to a ball for, to meet some chap he knows and talk 
stocks with Mm in a quiet corner. 

Tattleton. — I assure you, Mrs. Ketchum, we are in- 
tensely enjoying your charming hospitality. Only a 
cultivated taste like yours could arrange such exquisite 
entertainments. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — You are one of the few men remain- 
ing in New York who still know how to turn such grace- 
ful compliments. You have real, old-time manners, 
Mr. Tattleton. 

(Enter Van Huckster.) 

SCENE IV. 

Mrs. KETCHUM, VAN HUCKSTER, TATTLETON, 
and FLASHEM. 

Van Huckster. — Oh ! Mrs. Ketchum, Ma wants to 
know if Lord Flushington has come yet. I've been 
looking everywhere for him. 



70 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — I don't know, I havn't seen him, 
but be ought to have been here an hour ago. 

Flashem. — Maybe its only English manners, you 
know the} r always like to come late, in order to show 
how much more important they consider themselves 
than the people whose hospitality they accept. 

Van Huckster. — Oh ! if it's English manners I'm sure 
it's correct, and good form. 

{Enter Mrs. Hunter and Ethel.) 
SCENE V. 

Mrs. KETCHUM, Mrs. HUNTER, ETHEL, VAN 
HUCKSTER, TATTLETON, and FLASHEM. 

Mrs. Hunter. — Oh ! I heard Mr. Ynn Huckster say 
he was coming here to ask you about Lord Flushington, 
so Ethel and I came to inquire about him, as the dear 
child does enjoy his lordship's company so. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Indeed, I should think he was rather 
serious company for a young lady. He talks so little ; 
but he will be sure to be here in a few minutes, he never 
misses one of my entertainments. My house and Mrs. 
Westmoreland Landonum's are about the only ones he 
constantly visits. 

Mrs. Hunter. — Oh ! your house is always so attractive 
(aside); nasty, stuck-up thing ; but she hasn't another 
daughter to marry him to, anyway, so my Ethel's safe. 

(Mrs. Hunter, Mrs. Ketchum and Van Huckster, talk on 
the left, while Ethel crosses towards Taltleton and Flashem 
right.) 



ACT III. 71 

Ethel. — Oh! Mr. Flashem, have you ever traveled in 
Jtaly ? 

Flashem. — Never in my life. Slow country, behind 
hand in speculation. Have no time to study old pictures 
and cathedrals. Leave that to Ma. Besides, I spent 
all last summer studying the Eiffel tower, biggest thing 
in Europe. Why, in six months it paid all the original 
cost, and brought in twenty per cent, besides. That's 
an artistic monument worth talking about. 

Ethel. — Oh ! but you have visited Italy, I know, 
Mr. Tattleton. 

Tattleton. — Oh ! yes, I spent years there studying the 
language and literature. 

Ethel. — But did you ever travel in the Appenines? 

Tattleton. — Oh ! yes, I took a pedestrian tour there 
years ago, studying the geological strata which are 
really most exciting. 

Ethel. — But did you visit many castles there ? 
Tattleton. — Why, yes, no end of them. 
Ethel, taking photograph from her pocket. — Did you ever 
see that one ? 

Tattleton. — Why, yes, that's the castle of St. Angelo. 

Ethel. — Oh ! what a lovely name, how sweet it does 
sound. Did you know the family who lived there, 
Mr. Tattleton? 

Tattleton. — Know the family ; why it's a prison, 
Miss Ethel. 

Ethel. — A prison, then there's no aristocratic family 
in it at all. 



72 MONEYMAKINO AND MATCHMAKING. 

Tattleton. — I don't know, Miss Ethel, sometimes the 
aristocracy get into queer places. 

Ethel, aside. — The horrid mean fellow, if he's deceived 
me, and he hasn't any castle after all, I shan't go one 
step with him. 

(Ethel goes up towards door.) 

Mrs. Huntek. — Ethel, Ethel, where are you going? 

Ethel. — I I Ma, why, I'm going to look for 

Lord Flushington. 

Mrs. Hunter, sweetly. — All right, my dear, go and 
enjoy yourself, and don't mind me. 

(Exit Ethel) 



SCENE V. 

Mrs. KETCHUM, Mrs. HUNTER, VAN HUCKSTER, 
TATTLETON and FLASHEM. 

Tattleton, to Flashem. — Do you know what that girl 
was asking me so much about Italy for ? 

Flashem. — You may take me for anything but a fool. 
Why, because of that curly-headed ape de la Comare, of 
course . 

Tattleton. — Why, do you know, I asked Jack Brag- 
gart, who professes to know everything, if he could tell 
me anything about de la Comare. He laughed, and 
said it was a great tale, and that he would tell me all 
about it when he had time. I have half a mind to hunt 
him up this evening, and see what I can learn about it . 

(Enter Mrs. Flashem . ) 



ACT III. IIS 

SCENE VI. 

Mrs. KETCHUM, Mrs. FLASHEM, Mrs. HUNTER, 
VAN HUCKSTER, FLASHEM and TATTLETON. 

Mrs. Flashem. — Do you know Mr. Graball is out there 
looking everywhere for you, Mrs. Ketchum ? 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Indeed, in that case he will certainly 
find his way here. (Aside.) I must not appear too 
anxious, for then if he really has the upper hand, he 
will make too hard terms. 

Mrs. Flashem, aside to Flashem. — I know old Graball 
wants to propose, shall I let him do it ? 

Flashem. — No, don't you be too quick about it, don't 
you gush too much, till I find out whether he's up or 
down on wheat. 

(Enter Mrs. Van Huckster and Mrs. Acritonia.) 



SCENE VII. 

Mrs. KETCHUM, Mrs. HUNTER, Mrs. FLASHEM, 
Mrs. VAN HUCKSTER, Miss ACRITONIA, VAN 
HUCKSTER, TATTLETON and FLASHEM. 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — Mrs. Ketchum, I've been look- 
ing for Lord Flushington everywhere; it's so lonesome 
out there, there's no one but Americans. (Aside to Mrs. 
Ketchum.) I don't mean you, my dear Mrs. Ketchum, 
you have a truly English culture, but those restless 
Western people have no repose of manner. 

Flashem. — I tell you what, Mrs. Van Huckster, your 
English aristocracy is all very well, but in this age when 



74 M0NEYMAK1NG AND MATCHMAKING. 

brains and money rule the world, we Americans can 
give 'em points, and beat 'em every time. 

Mrs. Van Huckster, aside. — These horrid Chicago people 
are so noisy and restless, they have no British self- 
restraint. (Aloud.) There are still some distinguished, 
some princely families, Mr. Flashem, who would be 
entirely insensible to the influence of money. 

Flashem.— I've no doubt that there are plenty of 
European princes who would stand out against a million 
or so of dowry, but plague me, if there's a single one of 
them who wouldn't knock under at ten millions. 

Tattleton. — But, Flashem, you don't mean to say, 
royal princes, why there are some courts in Europe 
where you can't get in without sixteen quarterings. 

Flashem. — When Pa was in the pork trade, he did a 
deal more quartering than that. 

Tattleton. — Anyway they wouln't let you in the 
Austrian Court, unless you proved sixteen noble ances- 
tors. 

Flashem. — Oh ! yes. they would, and by the front 
door, too. Why, I'd dump down a couple of hundred 
thousand dollars, and start a newspaper praising up 
the administration ; I'd edit it myself, then they'd 
send me as Ambassador to Vienna right off. If the 
Emperor still proved kind of uppish, and didn't invite 
me to the family breakfast, why, I'd throw in a million 
or so of florins and found an orphan asylum, and then 
if he still put on airs, and didn't come down, I'd marry 
an Archduchess, or two, I'm sure there are still plenty of 
old ladies, even in Imperial families, who would be glad 
to be compromised by a smart young fellow like me. 



ACT III. 75 

Mrs. Hunter. — You're the first American I ever saw, 
Mr. Flashem, who objected to titles. 

Flashem. — Object to titles, not a bit of it. On the 
contrary, I think we've worshipped 'em long enough at 
a distance, it's about time we introduced 'em here as an 
economical method of rewarding party services. How 
much better it would be if all the greedy claimants after 
a presidential canvass, could be rewarded by being 
dubbed dukes, instead of shovelling money out of the 
Treasury to satisfy 'em. And then in place of taking 
into the administration the fellow who'd carted in the 
most boodle, when he wasn't fit for it, why they might 
make him a prince right off. I'm sure that 'ed tickle his 
wife to death, and do less harm to the country besides. 
Oh ! I don't stop over mere formalities, they 're all 
trash . 

Mrs. Van Huckster, aside to 3Iiss Acritonia . — Trash ! 
what a low American expression ; why couldn't he use 
the English equivalent, and say rot. 

Acritonia. — Do you think that is an improvment, 
Mrs. Van Huckster, I find it rather startling. 

Mrs . Van Huckster. — Oh ! it has a real distinction, 
it's English, you know. 

Mrs. Flashem. — Isn't Tommy smart? he gets the better 
of 'em every time. 

Van Huckster. — But you won't deny, Flashem, that 
in social forms the English excel. 

Flashem. — But there's one thing in your English 
imported fashions, 1 don't like, it's the way you have of 
drawing up invitations in New York, now. A chap can 
never be sure whether they mean to invite or insult him. 



76 MONEYMAKINQ AND MATCHMAKING. 

Why, an invitation I received last week ran somewhat in 
this fashion : "Mrs. Westmorland Lundonum summons 
Mr. Flashem to a musicale at her house, Thursday the 
25th. He will be permitted to remain twenty-five 
minutes." 

Van Huckster. — But that's the correct English style. 

Flashem. — I should say it was no style at all. Why, 
it gives a man a cold shiver down his back bone, for he 
doesn't know if they mayn't end with a threat to take 
his life, and he's uncertain whether he has received an 
invitation to somebody else's wedding or his own 
funeral. 

Van Huckster. — But one must expect such formalities 
from people of position. 

Flashem. — I tell you one thing, Van Huckster, we 
Americans have a deal of faults, but sooner or later we 
get sick of shams, and people who have to be insolent in 
order to be important will be found out some day. 

Mrs. Van Huckster, to Miss Acrilonia. — The miserable, 
low Western man; he doesn't understand British self- 
restraint. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — You, Chicago people, have become 
very decided in your opinions since you have got the 
exhibition away from us. 

Flashem. — But you went about it in such a stupid 
way. You kept talking about it's being to the advantage 
of the whole country to have the show in New York, as 
if anybody cared for that. But we Chicago boys were 
much smarter; we sent on a crowd of fellows to Wash- 
ington with a lot of money, and they bought up every- 



ACT III. 77 

thing right, and left and carried through the bill with 
a rush. 

Tattleton. — I dare say you Chicagoans bought up 
everything there was buyable in Washington . 

Flashem. — Oh ! no, there isn't enough money in Chi- 
cago, nor anywhere else to do that. 

(Enter* Jeremiah Graball escorting Blanche.) 

SCENE VIII. 

Miis. KETCHUM, Mrs. HUNTER, Mrs. VAN HUCK- 
STER, Mrs. FLASHEM, ACRITONIA, BLANCHE, 
JEREMIAH GRABALL, FLASHEM, VAN HUCK- 
STER and TATTLETON. 

Flashem, to Tattleton. — Just look at old Grab ; he's 
radiant as a new moon. It's all up with Thurman. I'd 
bet my last dollar on it. 

J. Graball. — My son told me you were anxious to see 
me, so you may suppose I hastened to obey orders, and 
brought Mrs. Thurman with me, too. (Aside.) She can't 
beg much out of me before witnesses. 

Mrs. Ketchum — Tour son exaggerated if he said I 
was anxious, but, of course, I'm always delighted to see 
you, Mr. Graball. (Aside.) It won't do to show much 
feeling, we must keep these low people at a distance. 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — Oh! you look awfully lovely, and 
so gay, Mrs. Thurman. (Aside.) Nasty presumptuous 
thing to refuse my Blackstone. 

Blanche. — It is very kind of you to say so, but I feel 
a little weary. 

(Enter Ethel.) 



78 MONEYMAKINO AND MATCHMAKING. 

SCENE IX. 

Mks. KETCHUM, Mks. HUNTEE, Mrs. VAN HUCK- 
STEE, Mrs. FLASHEM, Miss ACEITONIA, ETHEL, 
BLANCHE, JEEEMIAH GEABALL, FLASHEM, 
VAN HUCKSTEE and TATTLETON. 

Ethel. — Oh! I say, Ma, I've found Lord Flusliington. 
(Aside,) Where can Count de la Comare be ? 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — Oh! let us go, and see what is 
the matter with him, I'm sure his Lordship's sick and 
suffering. 

Mrs. Hunter, — Oh! let us go and see the poor, dear 
man. It quite melts my heart. {Aside ) As if I were 
going to let her have him all to herself. 

Ethel. — Oh ! I'll go with you, Ma, I do so like to talk 
to Lord Flusliington. (Aside.) May be I can find de la 
Comare; I've been showing the photograph to everyone, 
and they all say it is Fra Angelico. I don't know what 
to make of it. The Count's too lovely for anything, but 
I shan't venture unless I can find out about the castle. 
(Exeunt Mrs. Van Huckster, Mrs. Hunter and Ethel.) 

Van Huckster. — I think I'll go too, since Flushing- 
ton's there. 

{Exit Van Huckster. Enter Badminton.) 



SCENE X. 

Mrs. KETCHUM, Mrs. FLASHEM, Miss ACEITONIA, 
BLANCHE, JEEEMIAH GEABALL, BADMINTON 
and TATTLETON. 

Badminton, to Tattleton and Flashem. — I say boys, the 
feed's begun. If you ain't quick you won't get anything 



ACT III. 79 

them fellows are swiggering down the champagne by 
quarts. 

Tattleton. — Yes, I think we'd better go ; it's getting 
awful dull here ; besides, I want to see Braggart about 
that Italian. 

Flashem. — I think I'll remain here awhile yet. (Aside) 
To watch Ma, and see she doesn't compromise herself 
with old Grab, before I find out how he stands in the 
market. 

Tattleton. — Miss Acritonia, will you permit me the 
pleasure of conducting you to the supper-room? 

Acritonia. — Oh ! certainly; so pleased, Mr. Tattleton. 

Mrs. Flashem, to Miss Acritonia. — You'd better not go 
too far, Miss Acritonia ; I saw Mr. Pogwoggon this 
morning, and he's going to marry Mrs. Litherford Jum- 
bleton's sixteen-year-old daughter. 

Acritonia. — Ah ! I think I'll remain here, Mr. Tattle- 
ton ; (aside) maybe that spiteful woman's deceiving 
me. (Aloud.) After all, I think I'll go ; but no, thanks, 
I wont take your arm it's too hot. 

(Exeunt Miss Acritonia and Tattleton.) 



SCENE X. 

FLASHEM, Mrs. FLASHEM, BLANCHE, J. GKAB- 
ALL, and Mrs. KETCHUM. 

{Mrs. Ketchum and Graball left, and the others, right.) 

Flashem. — I'll keep my eye on Grab and the old 
woman, and see what's up. 



80 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

Mrs. Flashem. — I don't bear malice against you, Mrs. 
Thurman, if you did get the best catch of the season. 
I'm able to take care of myself, and fortune always favors 
the persevering, so you won't mind if I tell you you're 
looking uncommon poorly to-night. 

Blanche. — I thank you for your sympathy, Mrs. 
Flashem ; but I assure you I'm feeling exceedingly 
well, and very cheerful. {Aside.) Oh! if I could only 
get away from this false, miserable life ; it's killing me. 

Mrs. Flashem. — Then, although its very stylish for 
married women to go round by themselves, but since 
its only six weeks since your wedding, some spiteful 
people were wondering why Mr. Thurman didn't ac- 
company you here. Is he coming, anyway? 

Blanche. — I don't know; I — I havn't seen him to-day. 

Mrs. Flashem, aside. — The silly chit of a girl ; such a 
stunning fine-looking fellow, too. 

Mrs. Ketchum, to J. Graball. — You may think it strange 
that I should reproach you after what has occurred, but 
you know it was my most ardent wish to marry my 
Blanche to your dear boy ; but what would you have ? 
In this world mothers propose but daughters dispose, 
and the dear child's affection for Mr. Thurman was so 
irresistable and overwhelming that I was obliged to 
consent. 

Graball. — Oh! don't you mention it, Mrs. Ketchum, 
it's all forgotten. {Aside.) I'll squeeze the life's blood 
out of 'em, and see how they like that. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — I assure you she would'nt listen to 
my most impassioned protestations ; my pleadings, my 
supplications in favor of your Percy. I tried every- 



ACT III. 81 

thing ; I even begged her to have some consideration 
for my poor health, but the romantic child would say 
nothing but I love Mr. Thurman ; I would die rather 
than wed another. What could a tender mother do? 

Graball. — Oh! I don't doubt that yon exerted all 
your powers, Mrs. Ketchum. (Aside.) As if I didn't 
know how she checkmated me. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Then why should you endeavor to 
avenge yourself, check all Mr. Thurman' s enterprises ; 
entangle him into impossible positions ; form combina- 
tions against him ; rouse up all trusts in an endeavor 
to ruin him ; to impoverish, to beggar, to bankrupt us 
all? Oh ! it's unkind, it is unworthy. Mr. Graball, do 
you wish to break my heart, and make the whole work 
of my life useless ? 

Graball. — It's all Thurman's own fault, Mrs. Ketch- 
um ; what right has he to introduce philosophy into the 
stock market ; to talk about basing speculations on a 
knowledge of social evolution, international politics, 
climatic influences, the growth of crops, and such 
things? Why, if it was necessary to understand any 
one of them, in order to succeed Wall Street 'ed be 
depopulated to-morrow. Not a man 'ed be left in it; 
(raising his voice,) I'll tell you what's real business 
genius, Mrs. Ketchum. It's to make a lot of fellows 
sell a lot of stuff they haven't got, and can't get, and 
then put on the screws, and squeeze the last penny out 
of 'em. Oh! its astonishing the fortunes you can make 
out of nothing, in America ; nothing but brains and 
bluffing ! Yes, that's what I call brains. 

( Enter Thurman, a little before the conclusion of 
GrabaWs speech.) 



82 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

SCENE XI. 

FLASHEM, Mrs. FLASHEM, BLANCHE, Mrs. 
KETCHUM, THURMAN, and J. GRABALL. 

Thurman. — Your doctrines, Mr . Graball, show a thor- 
ough appreciation of all the sagacity which may spring 
from the brain, unembarrassed by any of the instincts 
which arise from the heart. 

Graball. — Heart! bosh! That's what the people on 
the losing side always plead. When you were at the 
top of the heap, you didn't talk such rubbish. But now 
you expect to move my feelings, to melt my compassion, 
so that I may give you more time to pay me what I've 
fairly gained ; what belongs to me . 

Thurman. — Your feelings, your compassion ; that 
would be adopting your doctrines, and basing my calcu- 
lations on what does not exist. But you may put your 
mind perfectly at ease, everything I owe you will be 
paid, promptly, and in full. 

Graball, aside. — Promptly, and in full. He must 
have something I knew nothing of laid away. 

Flashem, aside, to Mrs. Flashem. — You can go it now, 
Ma ; Grab's got the upper hand, and when you catch 
him, nail him fast. 

Mrs Flashem. — Oh, trust me for that, Tommy. 
(Aside.) The horrid old monster ; what a dose he'll be. 

Mrs. Ketchum, (aside). — Great heavens, could he have 
lost all his money? I didn't dream it was as bad as 
that. How will a divorce look after six week's mar- 



riage 



ACT III. 83 

Thurman, aside, looking at Blanche. — If she but had a 
little sympathy, a little pity for me, I would not mind 
the rest. 

Blanche, aside. — He looks so pale, so careworn; I 
wonder if I was wrong, if I was cruel ? 

Mrs. Flashem. — I think we're intruding here, in this 
family party ; we'd better go to the drawing-room. 

J. Graball. — Yes, we'd better go ; I hope you bear 
no malice against me, Mrs. Ketchum, nor you, either, 
Thurman, it was a fair fight. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Not at all, Mr. Graball ; there's no 
situation so bad that there's not a way out of it. (Aside.) 
Maybe sometime I'd be glad to marry Blanche even to 
that miserable little fool of a Percy. 

Flashem, (to Mrs. Flashem.) — There, Ma, make ad- 
vances to old Grab, or he'll escape us. 

Mrs. Flashem. — Oh! Mr. Graball, will you give me 
your arm ? I have something so interesting to tell you. 

J. Graball. — Delighted, Mrs. Flashem. (Aside.) She's 
stunning stylish ; I think I'll have to do the marrying 
myself. 

(Exeunt Mrs. Flashem, Flashem, and J. Graball.) 



SCENE XII. 
BIANCHE, MRS. KETCHUM, and THURMAN. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — I am very sorry indeed for your 
misfortune, Mr. Thurman, but under the circumstances, 
I am sure you will agree with me that a mother's roof 



84 MONEYMAKINQ AND MATCHMAKING 

is the only proper place to shelter my daughter in her 
afflictions. 

Thurman. — Ah ! Blanche, if you leave me now, I know, 
I feel, it will be irrevocably, and forever. But to you I 
will attribute no sordid motives ; I know that all my 
wealth could not win me your love ; but perhaps my 
misfortunes may give me a right to your compassion. 

Blanche. — I — I ! believe me, I am sorry for you. 
Only tell me if there is anything I can do, I — 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Don't excite yourself, Blanche, my 
child, or delicate as you are, you're liable to get sick. 

Thurman. — But, Blanche, my dear, little Blanche, if 
you would but say one kind, one friendly word to me, I 
would have courage for anything. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Don't you see how you are agitating 
the poor child ; it is cruel, it is ungentlemanly. Just 
leave her to me, to-night, to soothe and console her 
and to-morrow you may have any explanation you like. 
(Aside.) I'll know the extent of the disaster then, and 
what course a conscientious mother should take. 

Thurman. — But can you not see, do you not feel that 
if we part now it will be forever! Is there no instinct 
in your heart that bids you say one kind, one gentle 
word ? 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Keally, I thought you were incapa- 
ble of such conduct, Mr. Thurman. Having exhausted 
all reasoning and appeals, my duty as a mother compels 
me to positively request you to leave here, excited as 
you are. 

Thurman. — I understand, madame, and I will obey. 

(Exit Thurman.) 



ACT III. 85 

SCENE XIII. 

BLANCHE and Mrs. KETCHUM. 

Blanche starts forward, as if to follow Thurman ; Mrs. 
Ketchum restrains her. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Would you leave your poor mother, 
desolate and impoverished, as she is? 

Blanche. — I — oh! my heart is breaking. 

(Throws herself in her mothers arms, sobbing hysterically .) 

(Curtain.) 



ACT IV. 

Same as Act III. 

{Enter Van Huckster and Mrs. Van Huckster.) 

SCENE I. 

VAN HUCKSTER and MRS. VAN HUCKSTER 

Van Huckster. — But isn't this rather sudden, Ma, 
your engagement to Lord Flushington ? 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — Sudden, why I've been expect- 
ing it for weeks ; and then he has a beautiful sister, 
Blackstone, who I am sure would just suit your aristo- 
cratic tastes. 

Van Huckster. — But wouldn't that be rather a queer 
kind of proceeding, Ma, if you were to marry the 
brother, wouldn't it be kind of bigamous, or trigamous, 
or something ? 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — Why, then he has a cousin, a 
lovely cousin, Lady Gwendolen Frangandon. 

Van Huckster. — I'm sure her name's very attractive ; 
I'm quite willing, Ma, on two conditions : that she 
doesn't wear a silver necklace, nor a round cap with 
lavender ribbons on it. 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — I'm awfully shocked ; Black- 
stone, how can you — the daughter of an English 
nobleman with a silver necklace — who ever saw such a 
thing ? 



ACT IV. 87 

Van Huckster. — Oh, I did, Ma, at a ball in Belgravia. 
Danced with a daughter of Sir Francis Ironspyke, and 
she wore a flame-colored gauze, and a silver necklace 
with a dozen full-size, silver mackerel dangling from it. 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — Silver mackerel, and flame- 
colored gauze ! What a lovely, English combination. 

(Enter Badminton.) 



SCENE II. 

VAN HUCKSTEK, BADMINTON, and MRS. VAN 
HUCKSTER. 

Badminton. — Oh, I say, Van Huckster, there's an 
awful row out there. A man has come after Lord Flush- 
ington, and is making a regular circus out in the entry. 
I don't half like the looks of it. 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — After Lord Flushington ! Oh' 
it must be some of his relatives. 

Van Huckster. — Yes, Ma, let's go and see them. 
(As they are going out, enter Percy Graball, and Flashem.) 



SCENE III. 
FLASHEM and PERCY GRABALL. 

Percy. — It's awful hard lines on Mrs. Ketchum, her 
son-in-law loosing all his money like that. They say h e 



88 MONEYMAKINO AND MATCHMAKING. 

left the liouse, half an hour ago, dead-broke. Just six 
weeks after her daughter had married him, too. Do 
you know I came near marrying her myself? 

Flashem. — Who, Mrs. Ketchuin, or her daughter? 

Percy. — Oh, the daughter, of course. 

Flashem. — Why, the daughter, of course? The 
mother's much the smartest ; but I suppose when Miss 
Ketchum married another fellow, you were awful cut 
up about it, you boys are so queer. 

Percy. — Oh, no I wasn't, I was very glad, for I think 
it was awful hard lines of Pa to try and pull me up short 
like that, and marry me before I'd had my fling. To be 
sure, he said I might fling all I liked after I was married, 
but that was no go. 

Flashem. — Why not? I should think the arrangement 
would have suited perfectly. 

Percy. — Oh, no it didn't ; I was too afraid of Blanche's 
Ma. 

Flashem. — I see you're a pretty sharp fellow after all, 
for if a man wants a tranquil life after he's married, the 
woman he should study is not his wife, but his mother- 
in-law. But I'll tell you a woman who'd make a real, 
docile mother-in-law to a rich young man, if she could 
only get him. 

Percy. — Who is she ? Do tell me, for I know Pa 'ill 
marry me some time, he has a perfect mania for it. 

Flashem. — It's Mrs. Hunter; she'd be so awful glad 
to get you ; she'd be sure to treat you nice. 

{Enter Tattleton.) 



ACT IV. 89 

SCENE IV. 

TATTLETON, FLASHEM, and PEECY. 

Tattleton, laughing. — Oh, I have such a funny tale to 
tell you, only it will take me some time to get through 
with it. 

Percy. — Then I'll go ; my brain can't stand a pro- 
longed strain. 

(Exit Percy.) 



SCENE V. 

TATTLETON and FLASHEM. 

Flashem. — What's the joke, Tattleton ? It seems to 
give you a vast amount of amusement. 

Tattleton. It's all about that curly-headed Italian 
barber. 

Flashem. — What is he, a brigand. 

Tattleton. — The fun of it all is that he isn't an Italian 
at all, but a New York news-boy ; Jack Braggart has 
been telling me all about him. He was an assistant to 
an Italian barber in Bleecker street, and Braggart says 
he doesn't believe he speaks one word of Italian, but 
must have got his name from a copy of the opera Cris- 
pino e la Comare. 

Flashem. — But how in the deuce did he get his Italian 
accent ? 

Tattleton. — Who knows ; he may speak Italian with 
an English accent. I've a mind to try him. Braggart 



90 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

says that when he recognized him, De la Comare, or 
Billy Jones — that's his real name — begged him not to 
expose him, and said if he'd let him have one more spree 
to-night, he'd clear out to-morrow, and try the dodge 
somewhere else ; but I don't think there's any place on 
earth where a foreign nobleman can succeed as well as 
in New York. 

Flashem.— But its my opinion that if he does'nt make 
off mighty soon, he may take that little fool of an Ethel 
Hunter with him ; she seems so interested in everything 
Italian lately, even if it comes from Bleecker street. 

Tattleton. — Maybe I'd better try and frighten him 
off. But, I say, Flashem, do you really think Thurman's 
dead broke, and Graball's got all his money? Its a 
shame ; because, in spite of his want of education, 
Thurman's quite a gentleman, and knows how to give 
an entertainment. 

Flashem. — But, do you know, I think old Graball, 
with all his pluck and go, has a soft place in his upper 
story. 

Tattleton. — A soft place ; why, I should think he 
was as hard as flint. 

Flashem. — But just look at the way he goes to work 
to get into society ; why, he tries to many his son to a 
fashionable beauty in order to get her social connec- 
tions, as if they wouldn't drop her as soon as she ceased 
to be useful. 

Tattleton. — But, with his manners and exterior, I 
don't see any other way he could go to work. 

Flashem. — Manners and exterior ; bosh! who cares 
for manners or exterior, when there's as much money 



ACT III. 91 

as that ? If a man has a million or two, they may ask 
questions, but if he has thirty or forty of 'em, never! 
Why didn't he go to work, rationally, get the very 
biggest house he could lay hands on ; buy a stock of 
pictures, the dearest he could get, and have the prices 
he paid for them advertised in all the papers, then pay 
'em to give long accounts of the frescoing and furnish- 
ing ; the wood-carvings he had selected, himself from 
chateaus, and churches, and the old tapestry he had in- 
herited from some remote ancestor, recently dead ; and 
then everybody would be curious to see the inside of 
his house, and glad of an invitation. 

Tattleton. — Yes, it is astonishing how much old 
tapestry and family relics you New Yorkers have all in- 
herited lately ; and yet, the bric-a-brac shops always 
keep well supplied. I don't know how they manage it. 

Flashem. — Oh! I suppose they have formed a joint 
trust, and change the same ancestors, and the same 
relics around among 'em? But then, the proper thing 
to do would be to give a monster entertainment, and 
have it advertised in all the papers that it would cost 
$200,000, and would be the most expensive ever seen in 
New York. Then do something novel ; turn the back 
yard into a conservatory, or hire the block opposite, 
and throw bridges across the street. And then have it 
noised about that every lady who came would receive a 
bouquet of orchids costing a hundred dollars, and that 
every gentleman would get a new patent opera hat, 
with a concealed receptacle for coffee beans. He might 
get them both wholesale cheap, and the thing would be 
done ; and I'll wager the whole 1,500 would turn in at 
the entertainment. 

(Excited noise of screams and tramping.) 



92 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

Tattleton. — Oh! I'm sure something's up; I must 

go and see. 

Tattleton.) 



SCENE VI. 

Flashem. — I wonder how much money old Grab's 
made in that wheat deal. He must have got pretty 
near all Dan Thurman had, and I wonder exactly how 
much that was. It must have been a jolly fine pile, 
somewhere up in the twenties. A man who could do 
that so neatly in a few weeks must have lots of points 
to give. I'm beginning to be anxious about Ma ; she 
may spoil everything by gushing too much. 

(Enter Mrs. Flashem.) 



SCENE VII. 

FLASHEM and Mrs. FLASHEM. 

Mrs. Flashem. — I say, Tommy, it's done. I got old 
Grab in a corner where he could' nt escape, and nailed 
him on the spot. 

Flashem. — Ma, I'm proud of you, but did you fix a 
date for the wedding ? 

Mrs. Flashem. — No, I didn't think of that ; besides, 
we hadn't time, for the whole thing only took five min- 
utes. Old Grab said : let us form a joint stock company. 

Flashem. — Well, what did you say? 

Mrs. Flashem. — I said, how much will you put in ? 
Then he said : all I've got. Then I said, you couldn't 



ACT IV. 93 

do better ; so we shook hands on it, and he wanted to 
kiss me, but I objected, for I dont like to be kissed by 
a bald-headed man. It's a weakness I have. Besides, 
if I get sick of the old fellow, after I've been married 
a little while, I'll make him pan me out a fine income, 
and then I'll go and live in Paris. 

Flashem. — -Oh, no you don't, Ma, for who'd give me 
points then? We couldn't telegraph 'em back and 
forth; besides if you left the field, half my strength' d be 
gone. 

Mrs. Flashem. — All right, Tommy, I'll try and put 
up with the old codger for a while ; but look here, you 
won't turn on us both and cheat us, will you? 

Flashem. — Could you think such a thing of me, Ma? 
(Aside.) I'll skin the old fellow every time. Just give 
me eighteen months and I'll get the last cent he has. 
Then I'll send Ma to live in Paris, and she'll be com- 
pletely happy. 

(Noise and confusion outside ; and enter Mrs. Van Huckster 
hysterical and half fainting , supported by Van Huckster 
and Count de la Comare?) 



SCENE VIII. 

FLASHEM, Mrs. FLASHEM, Mrs. KETCHUM, Mrs. 
HUNTER, BLANCHE, ETHEL, ACRITONIA, 
TATTLETON, BADMINTON, JEREMIAH GRAB- 
ALL, and PERCY. 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — Oh, Blackstone, Blackstone ! 
Let us go away from this horrid place ; let us go and 
live in London. 



94 M0NEYMAK1NG AND MATCHMAKING. 

Tattleton. — Here, Mrs. Van Huckster, here are some 
salts. 

Mrs. Van Huckster, fa intly. — Are they English salts? 

Tattleton. — Yes, the genuine article with Her Maj- 
esty's portrait on every bottle. 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — Oh, how sweet it smells ! how 
the balmy English odor revives me. 

Badminton. — But may be, Mrs. Van Huckster, there 
may be some mistake about it. 

Percy. — Yes, may be they mistook Lord Flushington 
for some other fellow. 

J. Graball. — No, it was all stiff and straight, and he 
had it down in black and white. This fellow who has 
been humbugging us into the belief he was a lord is a 
common bank-burglar. There's no doubt of it. His 
real name is Jim Wilkins, and he robbed a bank in 
Manchester three months ago, and has been going it on 
the proceeds ever since. (Aside.) And to think of all 
the Madeira he's drunk up at my house. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — I'm afraid there is no hope, Mrs. Van 
Huckster, but we were all deceived. (Aside.) What a 
fool the woman made of herself. 

Mrs. Hunter. — I'm sure I always suspected him. 
(Aside.) And I came so near marrying Ethel to him. 
I must look around somewhere else. 

Percy. — What are you looking for, Mrs. Hunter ? 
Can I aid you ? 

Mrs. Hunter, aside. — It seems like the voice of provi- 
dence. (Aloud.) You're the very one I wanted to see. 
Will you bring my Ethel to me. The dear child is so 
timid in company. 



ACT IV. 95 

Percy. — Oh, awfully delighted, I'm sure. {Aside.) 
Flashem was right ; she's the very mother-in-law for 
me — so quiet and subdued. I'll make up to her. 

Acritonia, to Mrs Flashem. — The idea of an old woman 
like that fainting. 

Mrs. Flashem. — Oh, its the very thing for her, it 
makes her look nervous, and interesting ; but I should 
think she'd have killed herself with all the salts she 
sniffed. 

Mrs. Ketchum, to Blanche. — If you look so melancholy 
people will suspect something. 

Blanche, aside. — G-od have pity on me ; I know not 
what I ought to do. 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — Yes, thank you, Count de 16, 
Comare, the cushions are very nicely arranged. It is a 
comfort to have some one near me, who can really sym- 
pathize with me. (Aside.) An Italian count is not an 
English lord, but he's better than these horrid, noisy 
Americans. 

Comare. — Oh, Madam! is there no leetle service I 
could render you. 

Mrs. Van Huckster, languidly. — No, thanks. 

Comare, aside. — This affair of poor Wilkins has made 
me feel awful ticklish, but being a little lighthanded 
at cards, can't be punished with hard labor ; still, 
anyway, I'll be off mighty soon. (Leaning over Ethel's 
chair.) My lofe, my beautiful lofe, vil you not flee vid 
me to-night. 

Ethel, sotto voce. — There's no use of asking me, Count 
de la Comare. I'll never go unless I'm sure about the 



96 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

castle. Too many poor, American girls have been 
cheated out of their castles by Italian counts. 

Comare. — Oh, you are cruel, my beautiful lofe. (Aside.) 
There's no go here ; I'll have to give it up, and try a 
Philadelphia heiress, no newsboy could beat her. 

Tattleton. — Just look at that barber fellow hanging 
over the little Hunter ; if I dont expose him soon, he'll 
carry her off under our very eyes. 

Flashem. — Oh, she has a sharp eye to the main chance 
herself. I guess she wont risk anything. 

Tattleton. — I say, De la Comare, all these ladies 
think they'd love to hear a native speak Italian ; as 
they've only heard it spoken in American schools, and 
haven't the least idea of what it is like. 

Comare. — Oh, but you Boston people are so cultivated ; 
you speak all foreign tongues so beautifully ; ef you 
were to say something to me, jist to start the conversa- 
tion, and then I'd answer it. 

Tattleton, aside. — Damn the fellows brass ! (Aloud.) 
Of course I speak Italian, count ; we speak all languages 
in Boston, only we don't care to display our learning 
before company, and before natives especially. It's bad 
taste, you know. 

Comare, aside. — Doesn't know a word of Italian ; I 
thought so. (Hemming and hawing.) Well, if the 
ladies desire it — Scelleratini di Bleeckerini, pettini e 
spazzolini, sapone prestissimo, monellino maladetto, 
Ecco — vid the Toscan accent, ladies. 

Tattleton, stunned. — I wonder if he really does speak 
Italian. 



ACT TV. 97 

Chorus of all the women. — Oh, that is lovely, count, 
lovely. 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — Yes, it is awfully nice. It has 
a really English sound. 

Badminton. — Of course it has. Italian is nothing but 
English with ino, and ina added to it. We all know 
that. 

Comare. — Oh, that's sometimes the case, but its not 
always so. 

. Tatlteton. — And yet, if you take the English word 
barber and turn it into Italian, it makes Barberini. 

Comare, after a jnuse, — And den van you torn it bak 
in Anglish, it mak barbarian. 

Flashem, aside. — He's an American ; no blarsted 
foreigner 'ed be smart enough for that. 

Comare, aside. — I think I'd better be off, while I'm 
still on top. (Aloud.) Ladies, I dink I most excuse 
meselve, I'ave a most pressing and unavoidable engage- 
ment vid my banker. (Aside.) I'll have a parting fling 
at poker. 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — Oh, count, dont go, it will be 
so awfully lonesome. (Aside.) No one but those wretched 
Americans left. 

J. Grab all, aside. — Banker! I wonder if he really 
has any money. I'll see to this. What business has a 
fellow like that to keep any money. I'll get him into 
some speculation. 

Chorus of all the women. — Oh, count! do come and see 
us to-morrow. Oh, count ! we're so sorry you're going 
to leave. Oh, count! don't miss my ball. Oh, count! 



98 MONEYMAKINQ AND MATCHMAKING. 

remember my five o'clock. Oh, count! don't forget 
my luncheon, etc., etc. 

Comaee. — Oh, indeed, I shall not, ladies ; I shall go 
to every one of them. (Aside.) I'll be off for Phila- 
delphia by the five o'clock train to-morrow morning to 
look for an heiress. 

(Exit De la Comare.) 



SCENE IX. 

BLANCHE, Mks. KETCHUM, ETHEL, Mrs. HUN- 
TER, Miss ACRITONIA, Mks. VAN HUCKSTER, 
Mrs. FLASHEM, FLASHEM, TATTLETON, VAN 
HUCKSTER, J. GRABALL, PERCY, and BAD- 
MINTON. 

Flashem, to Tattleton.—I tell you, the more I think 
about that affair of Thurman's, the queerer it seems to 
me. A smart fellow like that to fall in love, and neglect 
the stock market for the sake of a woman. Why, he's 
the last survival of an extinct race, and ought to be put 
on exhibition. Millions might be made by it, for I'm 
sure everybody in America would rush to see what such 
a man could look like. 

Tattleton, — But the more I think about it, the more 
sorry I am that Thurman's lost his money, for that man 
Graball will never learn how to give a decent dinner. 

Mrs. Van Huckster.— I'm sorry, Mrs. Ketchum, but 
my head aches so awfully, that I must go. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Oh, not so soon, I hope. Come here, 
Blanche, and help entertain Mrs. Van Huckster. 
(Blanche, who has kept apart, joins the group.) 



ACT IV. 99 

Mrs. Ketchum, to Blanche. — If you look so gloomy, 
everybody '11 think you're fretting about that fellow, 
Thurman. (To Mrs. Van Huckster.) I'm sure I was 
very sorry about that Flushington affair, but any one 
could have seen the man was not a real English noble- 
man. 

Mrs. Van Huckster, aside. — Nasty, malicious thing. 
(Aloud.) By the way, Mrs. Thurman, when you 
break up, wont you let me know, so that I may engage 
that lovely English butler of yours. I think he's just 
too sweet. 

Mrs. Flashem. — Why, I don't know how you can 
want him. I think he's a downright, cheeky chap. 

Miss Acritonia. — So you are going to break up, Mrs. 
Thurman ? 

Mrs. Hunter. — Oh, I'm really sorry for you, Mrs. 
Thurman, I assure you. It must be such a disappoint- 
ment to you, just at the beginning of the season, too. 
(Aside.) Horrid, stuck up thing, its time she was taken 
down. 

Blanche. — I assure you, Mrs. Hunter, the more I see 
of society, the less disappointment it will be to me to be 
deprived of its gayeties. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — How the child does talk, as if there 
was any such prospect as that. Mr. Thurman has 
grossly deceived us, Mrs. Hunter, and we will find it 
very difficult to forgive him. Whatever his misfortunes 
may be, there is no reason why my daughter should be 
deprived of the gayeties suitable to her age and social 
position. 

Mrs. Hunter. — I always thought there was something 



100 MONEYMAKINO AND MATCHMAKING 

suspicious about him. (Aside.) She had her trouble 
for her pains any way, and served her right, too ; nasty, 
artful thing. 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — Then he had no distinction 
about him — no English repose of manner. 

Mrs. Flashem. — For my part I think he was a stunning, 
fine-looking chap, any way, bat rather heady. (Aside,) 
The idea of his marrying that little chit of a girl. 

Ethel. — I think he was a real masher, any way. 

Mrs. Hunter. — Ethel, you ought to be ashamed to 
use such vulgar language. 

Miss. Acritonia. — But, did you notice what a large 
foot he had ? 

Mrs. Flashem. — We never notice feet in Chicago. 

Miss Acritonia. — Oh, my ! I should think you would. 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — I was really surprised when I 
heard you permitted him to marry your daughter, Mrs. 
Ketchum, for you know he really never had any 
ancestors. 

Tattleton. — Yes, they say he came from a ver}' low 
family. 

J. Graball. — They say he was born in a log cabin 
with one room in it. 

Percy. — And that his father was a squatter. 

Badminton. — And his mother a cook. 

Van Huckster. — And that he was turned out of the 
cow-boys for stealing horses. 

Mrs. Van Huckster. — And that he cheated a poor 
English syndicate out of some silver-mines. 



ACT IV. 101 

Mrs. Hunter. — And that he stole, right and left. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Oh, if I had only known all these 
frightful things before, I would never have risked my 
poor Blanche's happiness ; but, luckily, the law can free 
her from such a dreadful man. 

Blanche. — Mamma ! 

Flashem. — But he's a right, down smart fellow, any 
way. Why, some one told me that he bought up a 
whole legislature out West, and got 'em to put the 
State Capitol in a place where he'd a lot of swamp land 
that he had taken for a five dollar poker debt, and made 
millions out of the deal. I tell you, the fellow who can 
do that is sure to get up again. There's no telling to 
what heights the country may mount if that kind of 
thing goes on much longer. 

Mrs. Van Huckster, aside to Van Huckster. — I think 
we'd better be leaving ; these horrid Americans are so 
noisy. 

Van Huckster. — Yes, Ma, let us sail for Liverpool 
next Saturday, and turn our high-bred backs on this 
land of vulgarity. Good evening, Mrs. Ketchum, good 
evening. 

(Exeunt Van Huckster and Mrs. Van Huckster.) 

Mrs. Hunter, aside to Ethel. — There's no use of stay- 
ing here any longer, this woman's ruined. (Aloud.) Will 
you conduct my daughter to the carriage, Mr. Graball ; 
she's so timid. 

Percy. — Awfully pleased, I'm sure. (Aside.) She's 
so mild and docile ; she's just the mother-in-law I'd 
like. I'll propose if I can, going down the stairs, 



102 MONEYMAKINQ AND MATCHMAKING. 

Ethel. — Oh, Mr. Graball, you're always so entertain- 
ing. {Aside. ) He's a horrid fool, but Ma says its the 
only chance I've got. 

{Exeunt Mrs. Hunter, Ethel, and Percy.) 

J. Graball, aside. — Looks like a match. Guess I'll 
follow and see it comes off, for that scrumptious little 
girl is getting on in society, and will succeed that fool 
of a Blanche, now the place is vacant. I'll just see it 
comes off ; besides there's no use of ceremony with 
these people now I've got their money. {Aloud.) My 
dear Mrs. Flashem, may I call early to-morrow morning 
to talk about the happy day. 

Mrs. Flashem. — Yes, Jerry, just as early as ever you 
like — the sooner the better. {Aside.) The horrid old 
bore ; I don't believe he has a hair on his head. 

J. Graball. — Good evening. Good evening, all. 

{Exit J. Graball.) 

Tattleton. — Miss Acritonia, may I have the pleasure 
of conducting you down? 

Miss Acritonia. — Oh, certainly, Mr. Tattleton. 

Badminton, to Tattleton. — Oh, I say, don't you gush too 
much. Didn't you hear the news? Why, Mrs. Dinever 
has just adopted the orphan daughter of a distant 
cousin, and made her her heiress. 

Tattleton, to Badminton. — Is it possible! {To Miss 
Acritonia.) Now I think of it, I have pressing business 
with Flashem, so maybe Badminton will take you down. 

Mrs. Flashem, to Acritonia. — Don't you let him go, 
Miss Acritonia, for I know Mr. Pogwoggon is taking 



ACT IV. 103 

heavy suppers of terrapin stew and waffles every night, 
and may die any time. 

Miss Acritonia. — No. If four hours of Wagner didn't 
kill 'im, he'll survive the terrapin stew and waffles. No, 
Mrs. Flashem, I've lost all hope. There's no luck in 
this world for me. 

Badminton. — May I have the pleasure, Miss Acritonia. 
By the way, do you know you were real mean not to 
invite me to your afternoon teas ? 

Miss Acritonia. — I shall never forget you again, Mr. 
Badminton. (Aside.) But, besides, he's too young, and 
he has no money. 

Badminton. — Awfully kind of you, Miss Acritonia. 
(Aside.) They say she has real old-fashioned sandwiches 
at those teas. None of those mean little modern shams, 
but great solid things as big as your head. 

(Exeunt Miss Acritonia and Badminton.) 

Tattleton. — I don't know how you can tolerate that 
fellow Badminton, Mrs. Ketchum ; he's so boisterous 
and then he comes of a very low family, you know . 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Yes, I know all his people are low, 
but they hold high positions at Washington, and may 
be useful. 

Tattleton. — I know it's always well to be politic, Mrs. 
Ketchum. (Aside.) It's getting awful dull here, but 
maybe it wont do to break with the old woman, she's 
so full of resources. (Aloud.) Good evening, Mrs 
Ketchum, I'll be around to-morrow morning, if you will 
permit me. (Aside.) Ma}'be by that time I can see 
how the ground lies. 



104 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Certainly, with pleasure, Mr. Tattle- 
ton. 

Tattleton.* — Good evening, Mrs. Flashem; good even- 
ing, Flashem ; I'm sure I wish you good evening also, 
Mrs. Thurman. 

(Exit Tattleton.) 

Flashem, aside. — What fools these fellows all are to 
turn their backs on Dan. Why, he has such a gift of 
the gab that he's sure to get to the top of the heap in 
politics, and then what bills he could rush through 
Congress for me. I'll go and see him this very evening. 
(Aloud.) I've a pressing affair on hand now, Mrs. Ket- 
chum, and so I must be off, but I'll be around early 
to-morrow morning to see Mrs. Thurman, and you also. 

Mrs. Flashem. — I'm sure I don't bear people any 
malice for being unfortunate. I hope everything will 
turn out all right. 

(Flashem and Mrs. Flashem, after parting greetings to 
Blanche and Mrs. Ketchum, pause near the door.) 

Flashem, to 31rs. Flashem. — I have some pressing busi- 
ness on hand, Ma, and mayn't see you till to-morrow 
afternoon, but you watch old Grab close, and see he 
doesn't slip through your fingers ; and I'll tell you what 
I'll do if I am successful next year, I'll take you on a 
trip to Paris. (Aside.) I want to study that tower 
again ; its immense. 

Mrs. Flashem. — Oh, Tom, you're too sweet for any- 
thing. I just love Paris. 

Flashem, — I know you do, Ma. You wouldn't be an 
American woman if you didn't. (Aside.) They should 



ACT IV. 105 

have built that tower underground, and then they might 
have struck a mine on the way that would have paid the 
costs, and the rest would have been clear profit. 

(Exeunt Flashem and Mrs. Flashem.) 



SCENE X. 

Mrs. KETCHUM and BLANCHE. 

Mrs. Ketchum.— Why, you're more like you were 
crazy than anything I ever saw. I could hardly hold 
you. Did you want to make an exhibition of us before 
all those people. 

Blanche.— Ah ! he treated me cruelly" but he at least 
was in earnest, and when I heard those contemptible 
people dare to abuse him in my presence, my whole 
soul revolted. I despised myself for remaining silent. 
I felt as base, and mean as they. 

Mrs. Ketchum.— You wouldn't have been insane 
enough to add to the scandal by answering them. 

Blanche.— I know he did wrong to force me to marry 
him, but maybe a man's ideas of right and wrong are 
different from mine, and then— then I think he loved 
me, and now that he is ruined, desolate, and deserted— 
I cannot be harsh to him, I— I forgive him, and I am 
going to tell him so. 

(Goes up towards door.) 

Mrs. Ketchum.— But you obstinate, insane child, 
listen to me. I know you think he cornered the Wall 
street market, and risked millions of dollars in order to 
win you. You, in your childish vanity imagine that he 
staked his whole fortune for the privilege of becoming 



106 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

the husband of a little chit of a girl like you. But not 
a word of that is true. 

Blanche. — Not true! what do you mean, Mamma* 
what do you mean? 

Mrs. Ketchum. — You think it was Thurman cornered 
the market, and made me lose nearly all the money 
I had in order to force you to marry him. But you can 
give up that sweet illusion. It wasn't Thurman at all ; 
it was old Jeremiah Graball did it. 

Blanche. — Graball ! Oh, my God ! 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Yes, it was Graball who did it all, 
and then he came and offered to put up the money for 
the margins, if you would marry his Percy. I, like the 
fond and devoted mother, I am, thought of a way to at 
once save our little property, and ensure your future, 
and happiness by giving you a husband whom I then 
thought more suitable, but whom I now see to be 
most unworthy. If you had not been so foolish I would 
not have needed to tell you any fibs, but I can say now 
most conscientiously that that fellow Thurman had 
nothing at all to do with the match-trust affair. 

Blanche. — Nothing at all to do with it! and I have 
been so cruel to him ! I have tried so hard to despise 
him for the sake of my own self-respect. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Yes, despise him, he deserves it, I 
can assure you — to deceive us so shamefully about his 
property. Just listen to me, and I'll 

Blanche. — Listen to you, never, never again. Can't 
you see what a wicked thing it was to dispose of your 
daughter's life and make it impossible for her to give 
her heart with it? Oh, you have been cruel, unnatural. 



ACT IV. 107 

You let him beg me for one kind word — one sign of 
gentle sympathy in his ruin and despair, and, while 
every womanly instinct of my heart was pleading in his 
favor, you said not one word to dissolve that false, that 
wretched memory which closed my lips. Oh, you have 
made me act a base, an unworthy, an ignoble part. 
You are my mother, but I will never forgive you . 

(Goes up toward background.) 

Mrs. Ketchum. — Blanche! Blanche! where are you 
going? Not to that man? Didn't you hear what all 
those people said of him? You said yourself you did 
not love him ; you told me so. 

Blanche. — Did I say that? Maybe it was not true 
then. It is a thousand times untrue now. 

Mrs. Ketchum. — But you wouldn't desert your mother 
— your poor, old mother in her disappointment and 
desolation. Don't you know I might die any day, 
delicate as I am ? Have you no pity ? 

Blanche. — No, mother, I have no pity for you nor for 
any one but him, for he alone deserves it. 

(Curtain.) 



ACT V. 

{Library in Thurman's house. Bookcases, large square 
table, centre. Doors r. and I. Thurman seated behind 
table, facing audience, examining papers. ) 



SCENE I. 

THURMAN. 

Thurman. — Who would have thought that a little 
delicate creature like that could be so cruel. What a 
fool a man is to think because a woman's beauty fires 
his heart, that all noble and generous sentiments must 
be natural to her. And yet — and yet — bah ! I will not 
think of it any more ; it unnerves me. I will live it 
down — this heartbreak. I will be some use in the world 
yet. 

{Enter Stiff neck, cautiously opening door on the riyht.) 



SCENE II. 

THURMAN and STIFFNECK. 

Stiffneck. — Mr. Thurman, sir, I've been wantin' to 
speak to you for the last 'alf hour. 

Thurman. — Well, what is it, Stiffneck ? 



ACT V. 109 

Stiffneck. — Hit's h'only this, sir : h'l was thinkin' 
h'as h'every man must look h'out for 'imself, maybe 
h'I'cl do wrong not to h' accept Mrs. Van Huckster's 
h'offers h'as she seems so very h'urgent about h'it. 

Thukman. — So Mrs. Van Huckster has been making 

you an offer, has she. Wants you to go live with her 

as butler, I suppose. Well, would you like a reference 
before you leave? 

Stiffneck. — H'l 'ope you wont be h'offended, sir, but 
h'l wont trouble you, sir. (Aside.) H'a reference 
from h'a man who's lost 'is money could h'only h'injure 
h'a poor duffer h'in New York. 

Thurman. — When are your wages due ? 

Stiffneck. — H'l can't h' exactly tell, but h'l was paid 
ten days h'ago, h'and they pays me h'every month. 

Thurman. — Then, I should surmise, after careful arith- 
metical calculation that they might be due in about 
three weeks. Well, here are the month's wages. 

Stiffneck. — Thanks, h'awfully ; but considerin' the 
h'abrupt circumstances h'under which h'I'm h'obliged 
to leave, don't you think h'a real gentleman like you 
h'ought to give me somethin' h'extra? 

Thurman. — I don't know about the obligation of the 
matter, but here's an extra month's wages ; does that 
satisfy you ? 

Stiffneck. — H'I'm sure h'I'm h'awfully h'obliged, 
sir, but h'l think h'I'd better be h'off, for Mrs. Van 
Huckster 'as h' already sent seven messenger boys 
h' after me, h'and h'I'm h' afraid she may h'eat me h'if 
h'l don't go quick. 



110 MONEYMAK1NO AND MATCHMAKING. 

Thurman. — Very well, Stiffneck ; I hope you will get 
along. 

Stiffneck. — Thanks, h'awfully, h'I'm sure. (Aside.) 
H'anyway h'l get h'away from that vixen Suzette. 
H'I'm sure 'er bank h'account h'is h'all a sham, h'or 
she'd let me look h'in the book. 

(Exit Stiffneck.) 



SCENE III. 

THURMAN. 

Thurman. — Even the servants have found out my 
ruin. Ah, well ; they are no worse than the others 

(A knock is heard at the door.) 

Thurman. — Come in. 

(Enter Suzette.) 



SCENE IV. 

THURMAN and SUZETTE. 

Suzette. — Shure and I hope you'll excuse me, sor, but 
I wanted to see you. 

Thurman. — You want to go away also, is it not so ? 

Suzette. — I'm shure I do hope you'll excuse me, but 
I'm not as strong as I used to be, and I thought a nice, 
quiet place with an elderly lady might suit me. 

Thurman. — So you are going to live with Miss 
Acritonia, perhaps ? 



ACT V. Ill 

Suzette. — Oil, no, sir, she's too young and flighty. 
I'm going to live with Mrs. Ketchum. 

Thurman. — Mrs. Ketchum ! 

Suzette. — Shure ; and yes, its such a nice quiet place. 
(Aside.) But didn't we help used to have high jinks 
there ; and the old lady's so smart — she'll always keep 
afloat. 

Thurman. — I suppose you want your wages ; when 
are they due ? 

Suzette. — Shure, Sor', and they were due last night. 

Thurman, handing money.— And they didn't pay you? 

Suzette. — But shure, sir, and they did ; but I thought 
as I'd been so long in the family, you might give me 
something extra. Then I'm going to live with Mrs. 
Thurman again. 

Thurman. — Ah ! 

Suzette. — Yes ; for shure and we all know she'll live 
with her mother now. 

Thurman. — You may leave Suzette. 

Suzette. — Very well, Sor. (Aside.) Any way, I'll get 
rid of that tantalizing Englishman, for I'm sure all his 
rich relatives in the ould countree are a sham. 

(Exit Suzette.) 



112 MONEYMAKINO AND MATCHMAKING. 

SCENE V. 

THURMAN. 

Thurman. — Even the domestics knew she would leave 
me. 

(A knock is heard at the door and Thurman rises and 
opens it.) 

{Enter Flashem.) 



SCENE VI. 
THURMAN and FLASHEM. 

Thurman. — Ah, is that you, Tom ? I did not expect 
you this evening. 

Flashem. — Oh, I thought the sight of a friendly face 
might do you good. (Aside. ) I hope that he isn't so 
dead-broke that it will keep him out of Congress till 
the elections are over. 

Thurman. — You are right, it does do me good to see 
one honest face. 

Flashem. — Now, what did I ever do to you, Dan, that 
you should insult me like that ? In our days, no man's 
called honest unless he's too plagued a fool to improve 
his opportunities. 

Thurman. — I am sure that it was far from my inten- 
tions to insult you when I applied that epithet to you. 

Flashem. — I forgive you. We'll say no more about 
it. Let us talk about your affairs. I'll tell you one 
thing, Dan, I've been reading over your campaign 
speeches, and I'm convinced political life's the thing for 
you. Have you made up your mind about accepting 



ACT V. 113 

that nomination to Congress? Ah, Congress! that's 
the place for you ; your talents are lost here. 

Thurman. — I have not made up my mind yet, but 
whatever I do, I will not remain long in New York. 

Flashem. — Go West, Dan, go West. I'll tell you the 
truth, I don't think you're suited to this community, 
any way. But go to Congress ; that's the thing for you. 
There's nothing like that to reestablish a fortune quick. 
But I hope you've got something left over — some little 
surplus? 

Thurman. — Yes, I have a little; two hundred thousand 
dollars perhaps. 

Flashem. — That's right, there's nothing like a little 
money to begin politics with. But, I say, Dan, when 
you get the whip hand on Congress, wont you rush 
through a few bills for me ? 

Thukman. — What kind of bills? 

Flashem. — Oh, I have a dozen or so of railroads out 
West that are running on mighty rickety rails just now, 
and the only thing that can boost 'em up would be a 
good plastering with Congressional cement ; and so you 
will give me a helping hand, wont you, Dan ? 

Thurman. — If your bills are not contrary to the 
general interests of the country I'll do all I can. (Aside.) 
So this was the secret of his coming. 

Flashem. — I wont keep you any longer, Dan, you're 
looking real tired ; you'd better go to bed, and rest ; 
and so, good bye, I'll see you again about those rail- 
roads. (Aside. ) 1 think that's all fixed. Now for old 
Grab. 

(Exit Flashem.) 



114 MONEYMAKING AND MATCHMAKING. 

SCENE VII. 

THUKMAN. 

Thurman. — So his purpose too was selfish. I wonder 
if there is any generous and noble heart left in this 
world. 

(The door opens slowly, and enter Blanche — Thurman does 
not perceive her at first.) 



SCENE VIII. 

BLANCHE and THUKMAN. 

Thurman. — I see it more and more clearly every day 
that if a man wishes to be true to himself — to preserve 
any lofty or generous aspirations, he must live alone. 

Blanche, — Alone! no not alone, for I 



Thurman. — Blanche! my little Blanche ! {Catches her 
in his arms.) You do not hate me then? You come to 
me when all the others have deserted me ? 

Blanche. — Oh, I have been harsh, I have been cruel. 
How you must have despised me when you thought I 
was like the others, driven away by misfortune. 

Thurman. — Like the others ? No, never like the others 
to me. 

Blanche. — But they deceived me. I deceived myself ; 
for I know that in the depths of my heart, I did not — I 
could not believe them. I knew that you who were so 
proud and so gentle could not be so base. 



ACT V. 115 

Thurman. — Deceived you ! What did they tell you, 
my little Blanche ? 

Blanche. — They told me that you left me the choice 
between reducing my mother to a hopeless poverty and 
giving you my hand. 

Thurman. — And you could believe that infamous thing 
of me — of me who loved you with my whole heart? 

Blanche. — Alas ! it was my mother who told me. 

Thurman. — Ah! 

Blanche. — But can we not leave this horrible place ? 

Thurman. — The place is not horrible ; it is the insin- 
cere and selfish people who make it appear so. But we 
will go away — far away to begin a new life. When I 
thought you were lost to me, I had not courage to think 
of anything. But I will write to my friends out West 
and tell them I accept the nomination, and then I will 
see what one clear brain — what one earnest heart can 
do, for surely this great country with its vast and varied 
resources, with its strong race at once quick- w T itted and 
robust, nervous and energetic— surely this country is 
worthy of a better fate than to become the prey of 
rapacious speculators and greedy politicians, and the 
plaything of a grotesque collection of strutting mounte- 
banks who are beginning to entitle themselves the 
upper-classes and who have neither the external refine- 
ments of an old civilization, nor the vital energies of a 
new one. No, surely, New York society is not the 
quintessence of American progress. 

(Curtain.) 



MONEYMAKING 



AND 



MATCHMAKING; 



OR, 



New York in 1890. 



Comedy i?i Five Acts 

BY 

FLORENCE T. DONNELL. 

Copyrighted 1890 



NEW YORK : 

WILLIAM R. JENKINS, 
851 & 853 Sixth Avenue. 

1891 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



016 215 033 9 § 



